Last year, Ilana assured Jaime, “When you’re ready to become a citizen, my legs are wide open.” Turns out Jaime was right, that’s not how it works. Despite how impossible it is to tell those old white dudes apart, Jaime passes his citizenship test! So the gang celebrates on a boat party hosted by invisible Melody’s law firm. Most episodes of Broad City are driven by a mission: get to the popup Lil’ Wayne concert, find Abbi’s phone, get yer taxes did, and so on. “Citizen Ship” lacks this driving force, and so it ends up being a considerably drifty (yes, pun intended) episode.
After some impressive cry-acting (reminiscent of the web episode “Comedy Couple”), Abbi, Ilana, Jaime and Lincoln dance onto the boat. Glasses are clinked, laughs are laughed, and handfuls of shrimp are grabbed. Lincoln considers wearing belts with seafood on them, a continuation of last week’s interest in themed clothing, and Ilana bets that all the lawyers on the boat are into “Anna’s with bananas,” a sexual Ilana-ism that will no doubt be part of our daily vernacular by Thursday morning. Bevers takes the broads to where the liquor is stored and, because shit can’t stay sweet for too long, the door locks. Neither Bevers’ body slamming nor Ilana’s “Fire rape!” please set them free.
In captivity, the girls learn two disturbing facts about Bevers. One, he calls jizz jazz, “because it comes out of my horn, and you never know where it’s going to go.” And two, he plans to propose to Melody with a ring-bearing shrimp. At first Abbi protests, but then realizing that marriage means Bevers will be moving out, she wholeheartedly encourages it. Ilana staunchly protests, stating, “government mandated monogamy is for old people, like Facebook invites or network TV.”
Locking Abbi, Ilana, and Bevers in the liquor room means that Lincoln and Jaime spend a lot of time talking to just each other and they cover oh so much ground. They, again, talk about themed clothing—this time American flag ties and contact lenses. They decide which Spice Girl each would be. Jaime practices his douchey American accent. Also, they kiss, which is no big deal because Lincoln is the most easy-going, kind-hearted, rational person on the show and quite possibly the world in general. A spinoff talk show called “The Lincoln and Jaime Exchange” is due for consideration.
Bevers has an ironic tendency to recognize absolute truths, and he’s the first of all the citizens of Broad City to point out that Ilana and Lincoln seem like a pretty serious couple. Upon this realization, Ilana has a literal temper tantrum. She slaps Abbi and declares, “I’m a sexual X-man. I’m Wolverine. I’m Vulvarine!” (Yas, Kween!) Abbi comes up with a great idea: have sex and then you’re back to being friends. So Ilana grabs Lincoln and they search high and low for a place to do it “pubes to pubes,” ‘cause everyone is boning all over the boat.
In a complete panic, Bevers chickens out (never forget: Bevers loves Costco chicken) of proposing and instead announces that Abbi is transitioning into becoming a man. Broad City operates on the improvisation technique “Yes, and.” It’s this approach that carries the plot forward so quickly and to such fun, ridiculous places, hence Abbi’s willingness to take the mic and celebrate her pretend sex change.
Abbi’s through-the-door speech to Melody was sweet and sincere and I’m glad it ended up being Ilana who was on the other side. Not only because just when you start to imagine Abbi and Ilana finding hetero love, you’re reminded that the show is a love story between the broads, but also because we should never see invisible Melody. Seeing invisible Melody would be like seeing the bottom half of Wilson’s face from Home Improvement. We’ve passed the point of no return.
I can’t decide if hearing Bevers say “blow your orgasm” twice in a row makes this episode better or worse. Either way, “Citizen Ship” was a nice change of pace. Still, I hope and predict that next week, the broads get back to the hustle.