Gather, friends and loved ones, for it’s time we all pay worship at the temple of the new gods: Marvel Studios, LLC. What great miracle are we offered this season, to tide us over until the bright days of Avengers 2? Is it another Thor film? Is it a third Captain America movie? Is it — miracle of miracles — a Black Widow feature?
No, sorry, false alarm, it’s none of those things. It’s Ant-Man.
Who’s Ant-Man? Well, from the trailer, we know it used to be Michael Douglas, but he’s too old to operate the Shrinky Tiny Suit (that’s what I’m calling it). Who does aging Michael Douglas find to replace him? You’d think he’d go for someone professional — an athlete, a firefighter, a mixed martial artist, or even a particularly limber physicist. Nope! Apparently the way to be a hero in a movie is to be a vanilla-white-dude schlump who gets plucked out of criminal obscurity and offered, for no reason discernible in the trailer, the chance of a lifetime. A wealthy genius is going to hand over his superhero legacy. I’ve only seen this movie about 700 times, I’m sure I can see it again.
What makes the character Scott Lang worthy of this great responsibility? Nothing that’s apparent from the trailer. He’s not bold and and righteous like Captain America, nor does he have the intellect and ambition of Iron Man. He’s not a master spy with a lifetime of training like Black Widow, and he certainly isn’t a god like Thor. He’s Paul Rudd, movie dad.
“You’re different,” Michael Douglas’s character assures him in the trailer’s voice-over. We don’t get to know why, and it’s such a bland statement to have in your first clip introducing an entirely new character that it ends up sounding completely meaningless.
Bland meaninglessness is the problem for this entire video. Rather than inducing excitement, the whole thing makes me yawn. I don’t care about this guy Scott, I don’t care about Ant-Man, I don’t care about the people in suits walking around with serious expressions. I’m certainly not enticed by a sea of men doing violent things across the screen with Evangeline Lilly as the one woman. That’s right, in a full two-minute teaser trailer we see at least four major male characters, a veritable storm of male extras in the wider fight scenes, and one. lone. woman.
Guess Marvel’s still really attached to the idea that a natural team of superheroes is six guys to one gal.
Ant-Man comes out July 17, 2015.
When does Black Widow come out? Probably the year 2037, after Ant Man 13 and Iron Man 24, sneaking in with a low budget just before Avengers 12.