In no particular order, because we do not want any of these films to exist.
We hated the first one. Like really, really hated it. Yes, it was very pretty, but that’s not enough to sustain a film, especially one with awful dialogue and an awful plot (that they ripped straight out of various uncredited sources and featured a white male savior as per freaking usual). So yeah, we don’t want this to happen… but it’s happening. So is Avatar 3 and Avatar 4, to be released in 2017 and 2018 respectively.
Avatar 2 is slated for release on December 2016.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
You’d think they would have learned from the last one and just let this franchise die already (hah, because dead films don’t tell tales! Get it? GET IT), but nope. We expect it’ll be just as bad, if not worse, as Transformers 4 with Mark Wahlberg this year.
Dead Men Tell No Tales has been delayed until July 7th of 2017.
The Human Centipede III: The Final Sequence
Lord, why. WHY. How did the first one even get made? Why did they make a second? Why are they making a third? Who came up with this idea?!
The answers, of course, are: because someone thought people would watch it, because people watched it, and Tom Six. At least the “Final Sequence” part of the title implies there won’t be any more after this. Small miracles, and all that.
The Human Centipede III: The Final Sequence will be crawling out to theaters later this year. It will be set in a prison, feature a human centipede chain of five hundred (five fucking hundred) people, and star Eric Roberts.
See No Evil 2
As if the first one wasn’t bad enough, we’re now getting a sequel that nobody asked for. With WWE’s Kane (and seriously, the only thing sadder than seeing washed up wrestlers in C-rated horror films is seeing them in C-rated romcoms, a la The Miz in Christmas Bounty) reprising his role as the awfully named Jacob Goodnight, See No Evil 2 will follow a group of med students running around the morgue screaming as an undead Goodnight tries to kill them all.
The first film got a solid rating of 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. I guess we’ll see if the sequel fares worse (my money says yep.)
See No Evil 2 will be released on VOD on October 17, 2014.
Top Gun 2
Again, nobody asked for this. It’s not that we didn’t like Top Gun, because we did, and Christine pretty much loves it to pieces – we’d just rather they leave it there and not try to make an inevitably terrible follow-up film, thirty years too late.
Tom Cruise is slated to return to his role as Maverick, with Jerry Bruckheimer producing. Top Gun 2 doesn’t yet have a release date (and hopefully it never will).
Mortal Instruments: City of Ashes
The first movie got dismal reviews and wasn’t quite a box office success, so we’re not entirely sure why it’s getting a sequel. We watched City of Bones once, if by “watch” you mean “fast-forwarded through 80% of it and ruthlessly mocked the other 20%.” The acting was weak, what we gathered of the plot was weaker, and then there are the plagiarism allegations of the book from which this movie is based, which colored the whole thing a bit sourly in our eyes.
What are some movie sequels (past, present, or future) you wish had never seen the light of day? Tell us in the comments below!