Roman’s hunger tempts him beyond his self-control. New evidence arises in the search for Shelley. Peter comes to the aid of a child in need.
I’ve never been a fan of the phrase “bodily fluids.” It is to me what the word “moist” is to Joy Lass in Dead Like Me.
Anywho, back to the topic at hand, which is “what the heck happened in episode four, season two of Hemlock Grove?” Well, let me tell you, kind souls.
“Bodily Fluids” starts off with two randy teenagers swapping bodily fluids in the middle of nowhere in the woods (and honestly, after all the dead people and the horror movie scenes, you’d think people would just KNOW by now to get a hotel room for this type of thing). The girl goes off alone to pee – terrible, awful idea – when she stumbles across the severed head of Christina, now human-ified and covered in maggots. The cops arrive on scene shortly.
Back at Godfrey Institute, Norman has realized that Marie is missing and suspects Pryce to have something to do with it. He threatens Pryce (in the blandest tone of voice ever with the blankest of expressions on his face, like, were you even trying, Scott) before being escorted away by security.
Roman’s still trying to figure out what the eff is going on with his company, this time by ordering blueprints of the Institute’s subbasement. As his phone call ends, Miranda tries to sneak back into the house after her big night out. Roman sees her, of course, and their polite conversation is interrupted when Roman starts honing in on Miranda’s heartbeat, freaks out, and runs.
Just outside, Roman runs into Norman, who questions him about Christina Wendell’s gravesite. The police found footprints around there and matched them to Shelley. Norman wants to let Roman know about it, and that he’s re-hired an investigator to look into Shelley’s case.
Peter is still trying to decipher his dream, with little progress. He’s interrupted when the dealers burst the door down with baseball bats, demanding their money back. When they start beating on him, Peter starts to turn. After thwacking one of them on the nose hard enough to break it, the dealers scoot. That was all it took, really? This from guys who work for a terrifying pig butcher?
Almost turning on the wrong moon again has a visible, painful effect on Peter. Similarly, not feeding properly is having a negative effect on Roman, whose zero-in-on-the-nearest-heartbeat ability causes him to snap and scream at his secretary in front of everyone. HR shows up later and kicks him out for a “de-escalation period.”
Olivia is approached by Sheriff Michael Chasseur, who questions her about Marie Godfrey’s disappearance. In the course of their conversation, Clementine’s recent disappearance comes up. Olivia lies her ass off on both counts, but it’s not entirely clear whether Michael believes her.
Miranda, meanwhile, is getting curious about the mysterious door everyone keeps going into but never talks about. That, seeing a baby’s blanket in the laundry room, and suddenly lactating when she’s apparently never given birth, ends up convincing her to try her hand at breaking into the room. She manages to get inside and sees Roman’s baby stop its incessant crying to giggle at her.
Peter continues his search for the biplane after cleaning his wounds, and ends up successful for once, finding a plane company that does promotional banners. He drives off to check out his lead, but looking at the time, realizes that he might be too late.
Sure enough, the little kid in Peter’s vision almost gets run over by a White Mask guy. Peter stops him just in time (the guy gets a good, long look at Peter’s face though, which can’t be good for Peter.) Peter grabs the kid’s mother and orders her to leave town, because someone is trying to kill her and her son. Panicked and afraid, she promises to do so.
Michael has moved on to phase two of his investigation, which involves making unsubtle remarks as to the nature of Norman’s relationship with his ex-wife, and his ex-wife’s relationship with his new girlfriend/sister-in-law. Norman confronts Olivia about hiding her meeting with Marie. Olivia tells him that Marie blamed him for killing Letha. Dougray Scott continues to read his lines with the emotional depth of someone reading their 1107th page of a phonebook; that is, like he wants to get this over with as soon as possible.
Later, Peter gets pulled over by cops and is brought in, where he’s interrogated by Sheriff Chasseur. The woman and child Peter saved lodged a complaint with their two sheriff before skipping town, and now Michael is taking the opportunity to question Peter about the goings on of last season.
The episode subtitles finally give me names for those dealers Peter beat up: Richie and Dom. The pair return home after the incident with tails between their legs, only to find Beaumont and a shotgun waiting for them. Once he confirms that they don’t have his money, he makes them take their clothes off, hogties them, and cuts off their balls. But not both. Just one. Because he believes in second chances. Holy moly this man is the worst.
In the final moments of the episode, Roman stalks, kills, and eats a homeless man after promising to “take good care” of the man’s remaining family. Roman throws a wad of cash in the air to distract the witnesses, but as he leaves the alleyway, a waiting Michael Chasseur spots him. Roman arrives home to find Miranda’s bags thrown haphazardly on the stairs and the door to his soundproof baby room ajar. He enters and sees Miranda breastfeeding the baby, confusion and shock on her face. Peter, meanwhile, has another waking dream while in jail, and tries to warn the police about it – but no one listens.
Pryce: Start tearing down my house, you may be surprised by what comes crawling out of the rubble.
Beaumont: Now, I understand that time to time people make mistakes. That’s why I’m only taking one ball each. I believe in second chances.
Comments + Verdict
- Beaumont is horrifying and terrifies me more than any of the supernatural creatures in this show (which is obviously saying a lot). His pre-castration monologue is the highlight of an otherwise stale episode, if not the entire season so far. That scene alone earns this episode a plus on the grading
- I otherwise don’t have strong feelings towards any of the big characters this season. I want to like Miranda, but there’s not enough there yet for me. I still like Peter, just with less fondness than I had in season one, and my feelings on Roman basically remain unchanged. I appreciate the whole “I want to be human,” struggle against your true nature thing, I’ve just seen it so many times, and this iteration involves way too much of Roman angsting in front of mirrors. Also he’s a dick.
- I finally realized what the baby’s eyes remind me of, and it’s Teen Wolf.
- Is it just me or are the “Memorable Quotes” sections this season really, really short? Say what you will about S1’s writing (the words “awkward,” “stilted,” and “terrible” come to mind) but it gave us a hell of a lot of iconic quotes. I still use “hierarchy of shit I can live without” from time to time.
- S2’s writing is still leagues better, though, don’t get me wrong.