The Ass Crack Bandit strikes again! And again! And again! And it’s up to Jeff and Annie to crack the case in this parody (of serial killer thrillers) episode. Everything is much more dramatic and has a much more darker tone to it.
The episode starts off with Garrett being the first victim to succumb to the Ass Crack Bandit. After that, the Dean holds a press conference in which local newspapers ask him questions about what happened. It seems like this Ass Crack Bandit enjoys dropping quarters down other students’ “upper buttock fold,” which leaves them very traumatized.
Annie tries to get Jeff to help her in solving the case, but to no avail. That is, until the Ass Crack Bandit strikes again. And this time, their victim is Troy. Annie seems to think that it’s one of the teachers seeing as how they are able to get from one point to another so quickly; they must have shortcuts. When Jeff sees how frustrated and disappointed Annie is, he decides to help her out.
When they’re analyzing a note that the Bandit left for them, Jeff realizes that they must be a Dave Matthews fan because they used his song lyrics. They pursue this lead by checking the teachers’, who are fans of his, alibis. Meanwhile, the Ass Crack Bandit strikes again twice under the bleachers while the Dean is giving an encouraging speech to the students. The irony of it is that the Dean is basically telling them that the Ass Crack Bandit will only “quarter” you if you are alone. This clearly proves him wrong. Safety is not in numbers.
After chasing down the wrong teacher and ruining some of the school’s plants, Jeff and Annie are caught by the Dean. He tells them to stop their investigation into the teachers and starts to question whether they’re only doing this because they like “hold[ing] hands in the dark and address[ing their] urges in semi-acceptable scenarios.” They’re interrupted by a call from the Ass Crack Bandit who has disguised his or her voice. He also brings up the fact that maybe Jeff and Annie are using this case to get near each other and they should “get a room already.”
The Dean traces the call to find that it was coming from the stables. They find Starburns trying to escape on a cat-driven sled and decide that he must be the Bandit. After the Dean announces there will be a dance to celebrate at the press conference, Jeff walks out angrily because there’s no way Starburns could have done it. Annie decides to leave it as it is, but Jeff isn’t going to stop looking.
While Jeff is at the dance, Annie visits Professor Duncan who reacts very excitedly when he hears that they are playing Dave Matthews at the dance. Uh-oh. Starburns then asks Jeff who sings this song, tipping Jeff off that he isn’t the Ass Crack Bandit. The Dean told Starburns that if he confessed, he could get away with having meth in his car. As this is going on, Annie notices a roll of quarters worth $10 on Duncan’s bookcase. As she moves to leave, she drops her keys and ends up sliding them up the wall with her foot to grab them. She runs to Jeff to tell him it’s Duncan, but while they’re looking for him, he becomes a victim of the Ass Crack Bandit and says, “Get Britta.” Jeff and Annie try running after the Bandit, but come up at a dead end where Shirley is standing. She then gives them the sad news that Pierce is dead.
After a little memorial for Pierce in the study room, Jeff and Annie hug each other goodbye and Annie expresses her disappointment for not solving the case. Jeff thinks he’ll be back. Annie responds with, “Or her,” and turns around to look back at him. It cuts to an image of Britta typing a paper called, “Into the Mind of the Ass Crack Britta,” but she quickly changes Britta to Bandit. Other clips they show are of Abed playing with a quarter in his hands and the Dean’s secretary being very good at Quarters.
“Humans make better banks than piggies. Whenever I get more change at the store, I can’t wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and take all my dollars and make them into change and drop it all down there.” “He should be called the Run-On Sentence Bandit.” – The Ass Crack Bandit’s letter and Shirley
“This is the biggest PR crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.
“I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can’t stop me because what are you gonna do? Not have butts?” – The Ass Crack Bandit
“I checked out Mrs. Plimpton. Air-tight alibi. She’s dead.” – Jeff
“Tracing…Tracing. Got it! The stables. We have stables?” – Dean
“Creepy.” “I don’t know. Add some doilies and a foot bath and this is my mom’s house.” – Annie and the Dean