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‘Reign’ Episode 3 Recap: “Kissed”

reign kissed

Mary asks King Henry for help when Scotland’s borders are threatened; Francis’ clouded judgement puts Bash in jeopardy.

Oh my god, this little farmer boy is adorable. “You’re welcome to share our breakfast,” he says in a cute Scottish accent to a stoic English soldier who randomly showed up out of nowhere. I’m a little scared that the kid’s going to get gutted Game of Thrones style, but the soldier just makes a dry quip about eggs and the camera pans over to the army marching behind him. Welp, I guess Scotland’s screwed. Bye, adorable farmer boy!

We then move back to the castle, where Catherine de’ Medici and Nostradamus are having another one of their clandestine meetings. Are these two banging? I’d be surprised if they aren’t banging. The King can’t be getting all the castle action, that’s completely unfair.

Anyways, Nostradamus has a vision of a battle. He tells Catherine that war is coming, and that it’s going to reach inside the castle. Catherine looks appropriately aghast.

Out on the castle grounds, Mary and her friends are having girl time. Topic of the day: first/best kissers. Kenna slyly states that her best kisser was a man, not a boy – while Greer hasn’t kissed anyone at all. My money’s on the fact that before this episode is done, all the girls will have kissed someone, because that is literally the title of the episode.

A servant runs up to fetch Mary away, and Mary rushes off to meet her uncle, who has come to warn her about English troops scouting out her country for weaknesses to exploit. Soldiers have been sent out to push the English back, but they’re not enough; Mary’s uncle has come to request more men.

The King of France sucks at alliances, so he’s being slow and vague with his answer, and now it’s up to Mary to convince him.

Furious, Mary barges into a meeting between King Henry, Francis, and several advisers (though the advisers scatter pretty quickly when they see the look on her face.) What ensues is the first Queenly moment we’ve seen from Mary so far – not that it matters, because the King refuses, saying he has his own borders to worry about. But that won’t stop Mary, because “if we have no power, then we must find a way of getting some.”

The next scene has Mary marching angrily around the castle grounds. Prince Charles asks her to play kickball with him, which she agrees to. The “you’re not like other girls, you like to have fun” card is played, to my infinite eyeroll-y disgust. Cue Mary kicking the ball up a tree, and then somehow scaling up said tree in full gown to fetch it.

The ball drops down right in front of Mary’s friend Greer and her hopeful paramour, Tomas of Portugal, bastard of the King of Portugal. Tomas is charming if a bit teasing, and Greer is enamored with him. She tells Mary her plans for a romantic outing in which she will get her first kiss.

Meanwhile, Bash and King Henry are having a good-natured sparring match, which Francis interrupts with a plea for his father to help Scotland. I still can’t take him seriously with that baby face and that haircut and that scruff. Neither can the King, apparently, because he turns Francis down. “Guess what, I’m the King,” he crows.

Francis then challenges his father to a sparring match; if the King wins, Francis will shut his mouth, but if Francis wins, the King will send six companies of men to Scotland. This is not a good way of doing royal business.

Anyways, Francis wins the match pretty quickly, but King Henry still refuses to send aid.

Greer is out in the kitchens planning her romantic picnic with Tomas, and somehow ignoring the cutie pie baker standing right in front of her. Girl, look at him, he is fine.

Mary comes in and brings Greer away, asking her about Tomas’ business in France. “It occurred to me that if a queen can’t command what she needs, maybe she can buy it.” Later, Mary and Tomas speak privately and she offers to give Tomas a better deal on the timber he’s been negotiating with King Henry, so long as he gives her soldiers instead of money.

Tomas is clever enough to realize this must mean the alliance between France and Scotland isn’t as strong as advertised, if Mary’s out seeking military aid elsewhere. Still, he tells Mary he’ll think about it, and then shortly after proposes marriage. Ha, I saw that coming! Poor Greer, though.

Tomas’ proposal is equal parts romantic and adorable, but he’s an idiot if he thinks Mary’s going to marry a bastard when she’s got a shaky alliance with France and the safety of her country to think of. Mary says this, albeit in kinder words, which is when Tomas whips out the surprise twist of the century: the King of Portugal has been working to make Tomas legitimate, and Tomas has a good chance of inheriting the throne once the King is dead. Then, he says, Portugal and Scotland can ally to push back the English. Ooooh, that changes everything! Marry him, Mary. Marry him fast.

Later that night there’s a party, where Henry gazes at Kenna, Mary and Francis stand awkwardly next to each other, and Catherine once again asks Nostradamus to describe his prophecies to her.

The King eventually notices the pair whispering to each other, and orders Nostradamus to tell the fortunes of Mary and her ladies in waiting. He begins with fortune cookie type platitudes, but then his visions hit him: “the lion will fight the dragon on the field of poppies,” he tells Mary. For Greer, it’s “you’ll fall in love with a man with a white mark on his face,” but for Aylee, who asks when she will see her family again, his fortune is “you will never go home.” That… was creepy.

Nostradamus is dismissed, but Mary stops him and begins to question his motives. Nostradamus makes a quick escape. When Mary is pulled away by Francis to dance, Tomas interrupts and begins to sensually dance with her. Mary looks overwhelmed, the court looks shocked, and I’m sitting here laughing my ass off.

Once the dance is over, though, serious consequences emerge – Greer feels betrayed by her friend, and Francis is jealous and confused. Mary explains what’s going on, and tells him that even though she doesn’t like it, she’ll do it if it means her country is safe.

During the lakeside bonfire portion of the party, Tomas and Mary walk hand in hand as Greer and Francis look on sadly. When Kenna is rejected by King Henry, she seeks the counsel of Bash, who tells her that his father is playing games with her, and that “a victory without effort is worse than a defeat.” Ew, no. No victory at all please.

Francis, meanwhile, has sidled up to his father and threatened to tell his mother and Henry’s mistress about Kenna, which finally gets Henry to comply with Mary’s request for troops. Francis sends Bash, their fastest rider, off to spread the word to the six companies they’re sending to Scotland.

Greer goes to return her romantic picnic basket to cutie pie baker man. When she bursts into tears over Tomas, he stays to keep her company and share the basket with her. Also, they make out. Greer, however, has the livelihood of her family to think about, and turns him down.

The next morning, Mary and Greer patch things up over a cup of coffee. When the rest of Mary’s friends join them, Greer sneaks away to fetch them breakfast and shares a heated look with cutie pie baker man, who has flour on his cheek (white mark on his face!)

After breakfast, Mary and Francis work out their battle plans, but then Bash’s horse returns from its ride – with Bash attached, but grievously wounded. As Nostradamus attempts to heal his wounds, the pieces of the prophecy come together. The battle has reached into the castle after all.

Before Bash is given a potion to sleep, he tells the King that the English were waiting for them – the troops never made it to the ships. It was a veritable slaughter.

Henry uses this to teach Francis a lesson: never let your decision be ruled by your heart, or as King you might lose more than just six companies. We later discover that there’s more to the story; as Bash was riding around to those six companies informing them of Francis’ decision, someone loyal to England was riding straight to the English to warn them of the battle plans. There’s a mole in the castle!

Mary tries to comfort Francis. He sweeps her up into a kiss, then tells her to marry Tomas. France has no more troops to send, and he can’t let her sit around waiting for a hopeless alliance forever.

Mary heads to Tomas’ rooms and accepts his proposal. Tomas sends eight companies off to Scotland, and when Mary sees the Portuguese banner has a dragon on it, her prophecy clicks: “The English lion will fight the dragon on the field of poppies.”

Rating: B+

Memorable Quotes

Francis: You never spar with me.
Henry: Is it a good idea for a King to spar with his usurper?
Francis: You mean his inheritor.

King Henry: Well, that’s what kings do. We make promises to everybody. Whatever works for the realm, we keep. Otherwise, they never happened.

Greer: You know, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that tiny white scar on your cheek. It becomes you.

Catherine de’ Medici: I love this Portuguese music! Keep playing!

Bash: Hard to imagine a more uncomfortable conversation about one’s father.

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  • Marty

    I just can’t get over one of Mary Tudor’s ladies in waiting being called “lola”. So I don’t think I will keep watching. Don’t know why I lasted this long. I didn’t expect accuracy at all. I just don’t want to be insulted. What next? We find out that James I married someone named “Ashley” or Tiffany”?

  • Marty

    You are suggesting a lady of the royal; court should fuck a baker? Isn’t that really, really slutty? I mean..OK they might fool around with an equal. But to have a servant do her would be disgusting. thats right up there with having a dog do her. Its not like it is tday where people are free to move from one situation to the next. Back then a baker could never become an aristocrat.

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