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The Real Housewives of Miami 3×08 “Mama Elsa Comes Home” Recap

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The first scene of this week’s episode had me reaching for the remote to check this was the right show.

Adriana and Frederic meet Romain and Joanna for breakfast, so the ladies can air out their issues. And air out their issues, the ladies do. In a classy way – no heated words, no raised voices. Apologies are exchanged, and when Romain points out they’re not fighting, the ladies even seem surprised. I’m happy they can actually act normal, don’t get me wrong, but this is the Real Housewives of Miami. I’m not here for normal.

The head scratching continues as we visit Lenny and Lisa. Someone’s just had plastic surgery, and it’s not Lisa. She brings Lenny orange juice in bed. He’s just had liposuction because, apparently, there’s an “area” in his stomach that just won’t go away with diet and exercise. So the plastic surgeon had plastic surgery.

Lisa makes for a horrible nurse, though, as she constantly hurts Lenny when she touches him. Lenny’s like, “leave me alone!” Lisa asks Lenny if he wants some painkillers, and when he declines, she’s surprised, because “that’s the best part of surgery.” Amen, sister.

Adriana and Frederic make a visit to their pastor, for what is a routine meeting, before their wedding. The pastor asks them some personal questions, and we learn that Frederic and Adriana couldn’t be more different. Adriana came from a family where her father cheated on her mother and left, as opposed to Frederic whose parents are still married and claims he’s never seen his mother cry or his father shout. Different strokes, right?

Marysol prepares for her mother’s return home, and burns sage to clean the energy in the house. In an aside, Marysol informs us she’s always thought sage looked like a big bush of marijuana, and she doesn’t care if she gets high cleaning the house, but it must be clean for her mother. Uh, Marysol, what are you smoking? It certainly isn’t marijuana.

Then she complains some more about Lea not having gotten in touch with Elsa, or sent flowers. Mama Elsa finally makes an appearance this season as she returns home. She’s obviously still recovering from her fall, though, as she’s missing the spunk she usually has. It’s sad.

The evolution of Joanna continues, as we continue to see her painted in a relatively normal light this week. She returns to the sex therapist’s office, this time with Romain in tow. The therapist clears up what the difference is between Joanna and Romain: Joanna wants to have sex, while Romain wants to make love. She assigns the couple some homework: they’re to go out on a “blind date” in character, as strangers, and pick each other up. I’m not sure if I want to see this or not.

Unfortunately, as we see in this week’s regularly scheduled Alexia segment, some things don’t change. And once again this week we are treated to another rehash of Alexia’s unfortunate troubles, from her younger son’s jet skiing accident, to her older son’s acting out.

Alexia takes Peter out to the baseball field where he played “t-ball” when he was three years old. She proceeds, as she does in every episode, to recount what’s happened to her. At this point, Peter looks bored, because at least we only have to listen to Alexia’s same story once a week. Dude’s been hearing it for a lot longer than that.

We pick up again with Joanna and Romain in a bar, but it’s not them. It’s Natalia, and Jack. They’ve put on disguises: Romain’s wearing glasses, and Joanna’s in a brunette wig. Uh-oh. We know where this is going.

Jack buys Natalia a drink, and comes over. He introduces himself: he’s a pilot. And Natalia is a ballerina dancer. After some small talk, they go up to a hotel room, and yes, so do we. We’re treated to the sight of Jack and Natalia taking their clothes off. Joanna informs us that Natalia is the “180” of her, and she’s a dominatrix.

Natalia begins tying Jack up, and getting rough. Jack doesn’t like it. Or rather, Romain doesn’t, as he slips out of character and tells Joanna he isn’t into it anymore, and can they go play Wii? Ouch.

Marysol throws Adriana a bachelorette party at her house. She warns us that this is the first bachelorette party she’s given, and it’s clear. There are no strippers. The most risqué thing are some panties and bras that have been tied to the balloons: “lingering lingerie” as Marysol dubs it.

Lauren Foster, Lisa, and Alexia show up for the party. But to call it a party would be a stretch, as the women realize this party is tame. Adriana decides to spice things up by bringing out the wedding dress she was supposed to get married in four years ago. She sets fire to it and then the women start running around the dress in a circle.

Best. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.

Written by: Josh Feldman