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The Real Housewives of Miami 3×10 “Brazilian Bridezilla” Recap

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Alright, y’all, this is a special episode, because we open in the thick of it. Adriana’s freaking out – everybody’s in the church, waiting for her. We then jump back 24 hours earlier.

We’re treated to the sight of Adriana pulling down her pants so Frederic can inject her in the butt with some vitamins. Adriana screeches like a mangled cat throughout the entire thing; it makes one wonder how she handled childbirth. Adriana’s sooo stressed about all the things she has to do: pick up her sister at the airport, get a manicure, get her “privates waxed” because apparently it’s the Amazon down there. Frederic confirms he doesn’t want the Amazon down there, but a happy trail. If it wasn’t already obvious English isn’t his first language…

We find Lea hobbling on the beach, making her way to Alexia waiting under a cabana. Lisa and Joanna show up, as well. It’s the day before Adriana’s wedding and Lisa wants to have some fun with Lea and Joanna, who were not invited. Of course the ladies dive into the gossip, revisiting the incident from last week when Marysol blew up at Lea at Alexia’s party.

Lea gets mad when Alexia tries to defend Marysol, and the conversation ends pretty quickly. Lisa, the self-declared life of the party, decides it’s time for all the ladies to tip their toes in the water. Lea says she can’t be in the sun (which is why you’re totally living in the right city, Lea), but the girls drag her to the edge of the water anyway.

The day of Adriana’s wedding finally arrives. With four hours to go, Adriana gets to her hotel room to get ready. She’s joined by her sister, niece, and son. Marysol soon join in on the fun, and Adriana ruminates about the people who could be there for her special day, and those couldn’t. Of course she brings up Lea, saying it fills her with regret to not have somebody who was such a good friend to her be there for her special day. Yeah, yeah.

As people begin to arrive, Adriana becomes more and more frazzled. Before we know it, it’s 5:10 PM, and Frederic enters the room to locate his missing tux. Adriana chooses this moment to walk around in her robe and a facial mask which makes her look like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, according to Lisa. Frederic can’t find his tux, and the ladies begin freaking when Adriana just plops down on her bed, saying she feels dizzy. There’s less than an hour until the wedding, and the bride is nowhere near ready.

But of course by the net commercial break, Adriana is hair and make-up ready. It’s been an hour, though, that the guests have been sitting in the church, waiting. Lisa’s about to pounce on Adriana but Marysol tells her not to. Finally, Adriana puts on her “Lady Gaga” heels and makes her way to the church. The ceremony finally gets underway, much to everyone’s relief, and we’re treated to a voiceover from Adriana who feels so lucky to have found a “Frenchman” who’s so accepting of who she is. Interesting choice of words.

After the ceremony, Adriana’s guests hustle to change their clothes, per her “1920’s garb only” rule for the reception. Lisa and Marysol take the opportunity, as they’re changing clothes, to rehash their argument from the previous week. It’s nearly 10 PM, and Adriana is yet to make an appearance downstairs at the reception. People actually start leaving the party!

When Adriana and her wedding party finally arrive at the reception, it’s nearly 11 PM, and Lenny in particular is pissed. He’s threatening to leave the party, and Lisa can’t understand for the life of her why, even though they’re very late, and Lenny (along with everyone else) has technically spent the entire day and night waiting. When Lenny actually leaves, Lisa kind of blows it by talking smack about her husband to the people around her at the table. Bad move.

However, when she runs out to the front she catches Lenny before he gets into his limo. She convinces him to stay for 20 minutes extra, because she’s tired of feeling like “a widow” and always being alone at parties. The guilt trip works, as Lenny stays behind.

To cap off an hour about waiting, the episode comes to a close with some guy doing a “champagne sabrage” – slicing off the top of a bottle of champagne with a saber. Even after Adriana tells him the third time’s a charm, his third effort doesn’t work. Everyone’s waiting. And then, finally, he cuts the damn thing off. The champagne starts flowing, as do, thankfully, the end credits.

Written by: Josh Feldman