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The Real Housewives of Miami 3×09 “Birkin Buddies” Recap

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. The Miami housewives are the horniest in the franchise, and that’s established right away as we return to Miami this week.

Joanna has invited Lisa over for dinner, and as she frantically rushes to transfer the sushi from the boxes they were delivered in to plates, the doorbell rings. Lisa has arrived and notices the calendar hanging on the refrigerator in the kitchen. Joanna has put post-its on every single day, as reminders, for her and Romain to have sex. An assignment from the sex therapist, Joanna explains. The girls sit down on the floor because they want to “do it like the Asians” and begin sipping wine. Joanna asks Lisa to be her bridesmaid – seems she’s finally made a decision – and Lisa is thrilled.

Then, naturally, the conversation goes back to sex as the women make a toast. “To lots of sex!” Joanna says. “To a long marriage, and lots of sex,” Lisa nicely adds. Romain decides to check in on the girls after two hours – and three bottles of wine – bad move. He gets caught in the ladies’ conversation about sex. Lisa decides to take matters into her own hands and climbs on top of Joanna to engage in some role play. Romain becomes embarrassed and leaves the room, at which point Joanna opens a fourth bottle.

It’s Alexia’s birthday, as we learn when her assistants all cheer when she gets to the office. She refuses to divulge her age though. Marysol drops in for a visit, to drop off Alexia’s gift, and to gossip. The big subject this week is Adriana’s wedding evite. Yes, evite. The women are shocked that Adriana has chosen to do her wedding invites online. But that’s not all.

The women bitch about how Adriana’s making her guests change their outfit after the ceremony. At this point we learn that Adriana sent out a mood board, along with her wedding evite, for her guests to make wardrobe decision based upon. Marysol declares she’s going to talk to Adriana because that’s what friends do.

Marysol and Adriana meet the socialite Lauren Foster at the Miami Institute, where they are due to get some cocktails, intravenously. And we watch the ladies shriek and whimper as they’re injected with needles. Then they sit down, and have some wine as the cocktails are fed to them intravenously.

Marysol decides it’s the best time to broach the subject of Adriana’s wedding wardrobe requirements. She tries to get Adriana to see that she’s asking for a lot from her guests, but Adriana shoots down any possible discussion. She acknowledges she’s being a “Brazilian Bridezilla” but so what? She’s a Housewife, which means Bravo is probably paying for the wedding.

Lea shows up at Lisa’s house with a gift. The ladies freak out as Lisa opens the box and out pops a bright baby blue Birkin. $10,000 dollars. No big. But did Lea really buy it? No, she explains in a cut-away interview: she helped orchestrate the gift because of her connections, but Lenny paid for it.

Later, Alexia visits Lea at her office, for a birthday gift (she’s got a lot of gifts this week). But Alexia is horrified when Lea takes the opportunity to sit Alexia down and show her what her gift is: Lea’s own line of skin care products. Alexia is dumbfounded as she sits there watching Lea hawk her products like she’s on QVC.

Because it’s been like, five minutes since anyone’s talked about sex, it’s time for a segment with Joanna. She and Romain visit their sex therapist. Romain dodges some more questions but finally opens up, and we learn that Romain had a vicious step-mother as a kid. I’m still not so sure how this relates to his sex drive, but nothing really relates to anything on this show, anyway.

If there’s something other than sex that’s a regular feature in each episode, it’s a big blowout at a party. And this week’s blowout is brought to you courtesy of Lea and Marysol. The new enemies cross paths at Alexia’s birthday party, and Marysol doesn’t even wait a second before she pounces on Lea about not sending well wishes to her mother. Lea tries to make a hasty exit, but while waiting for an elevator, Marysol decides to return for round two. Lea doesn’t have to defend herself this time though, as Lisa steps up to the mat to fight for her, as does Lea’s bitchy male assistant.

The elevator finally arrives, and exit stage left, Lea. Marysol yells at Lisa for getting involved, even though she just met everyone last year, before she stomps off. Lisa is told she shouldn’t be Lea’s mouthpiece, and Lisa is left alone in the lobby, scoffing, shouting, “Is that the best you got?” as the episode draws to a close.

Okay, there are three things you can expect from a RHOM episode: sex, a blowout at a party, and wonderful but horribly corny last lines.

Written by: Josh Feldman