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The Real Housewives of Miami 3×07 “La La Land” Recap

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Miami is going to be a little less scandalous this week, as we begin the episode by bidding Joanna, Lisa, and Lea farewell. They get on a plane for Los Angeles, and Joanna supplies the prescribed drugs “for a long trip.” They kick in pretty quickly, as Lisa and Joanna begin putting their legs behind their heads.

“Lenny likes this one,” Lisa murmurs between her legs, as Lea watches from across the aisle, herself having not taken any fun drugs. Party pooper!

Once the ladies arrive in L.A., they make tracks for Joanna’s house, where they are greeted by a zoo. A pack of dogs and a litter of newborn kittens, which allows for Joanna to explain to the audience how she started her own animal rescue. Lea takes the opportunity to gush over Joanna’s house, but segues into talking about her own house and how it’s actually in the Hollywood Hills, unlike Joanna’s house.

Back in Miami, Alexia decides to bring her son Peter along on a photo shoot with her. Alexia seems to have a firm grip on the serious segments this season, and it continues as she tells us how she agonizes over her son. Peter’s currently on probation after beating up a homeless man, but Alexia explains it’s because of his father, who was arrested and is in jail for drug trafficking.

Peter idolizes his father, and has started growing out his hair and dressing like him. This behavior is confirmed when Peter goes off on a taxi driver who interrupts the shoot. He hits the side of the car with his hand, and the driver calls the police. Alexia chews Peter out for getting involved, and starting trouble. Peter decides to “take a walk” before the cops show up, and what does Alexia do? She starts yelling at the cabbie. Maybe it’s not just his father Peter’s taking after, Alexia?

In Los Angeles, Joanna has wine with her mother and Lisa. The conversation, as it always does with Joanna, turns to sex. Joanna apparently has no problem talking about her own mother getting some, or fingering herself, which horrifies Lisa to no end. The next day, Joanna brings Lisa and Lea to a hotel in San Diego, where she hopes her wedding will be.

It’s a nice spot, and the ladies all share collective tears because hello, it’s a wedding. Lea, as usual, horns in on the moment, tearing up the most, talking about how Joanna’s living the American dream because “models are to be seen and not heard.” If only that was still true.

The dueling wedding planning continues as we see Adriana show off where she’s having her wedding reception. We learn that she expects everyone to wear white at her wedding, and then change into “Great Gatsby attire” for her reception. Even her son is like, “What? You expect your guests to change?” When he asks where they can change, Adriana is stupefied.

Luckily, the Event Director offers the Presidential Suite on the 15th floor of the hotel for the guests to change in. That’s not going to be awkward at all, having all the guests change up there before they come down for the reception. Smart.

Back in Los Angeles, the question we’ve been waiting for comes as Joanna finally asks Lisa if she’s in Adriana’s wedding party. When Lisa says she is, Joanna gives her an ultimatum: pick one wedding party to be in, and then she proceeds to twist Lisa’s arm by rehashing all the facts yet again. Adriana’s wedding is fake, blah blah, she physically assaulted me, blah blah. Lisa can’t believe she’s in this position, and I can’t believe she’s surprised.

Alexia decides to ask her psychiatrist mother to listen in on a conversation she’ll have with Peter, to see where the problem lies. That’s not awkward at all, as the three of them sit outside on the dock. Peter has no problem getting to the point when he tells Alexia he’s mad at her for not telling him the truth about his father when he was a kid. He had to find out at 18 who his father was, and Alexia says she was just protecting him.

Peter goes on to say that every time she told him he was just like his father, he remembered all the times she would call his father a piece of shit. This sparks a light-bulb in Alexia’s head and brings tears to her eyes because, apparently, she can’t put one and two together.

To counteract this serious stuff, back in Los Angeles, Lisa surprises Lea by having a “fabulous“ friend, Maxime, come over. Maxime has a collection of Birkin bags and, apparently, he goes over to all his friends’ houses with all his Birkins in his trunk. Lisa freaks out because she wants another Birkin, and Lea uses this opportunity to call up her friend who works at a Birkin store to see if she can get one for her friend. She tells Lisa her friend will find a Birkin for her within the next few days, and I’m pretty sure if the cameras weren’t there, Lisa would’ve gone down on Lea.

The episode comes to a close with a pitiful whimper as the ladies gather in Los Angeles for dinner, and Joanna comes after Lisa again for agreeing to be Adriana’s bridesmaid. Joanna’s mother doesn’t see why Lisa can’t be bridesmaids for both women, but Joanna’s not having it. And that is seriously how they end the episode – weaksauce!

But the preview for the rest of the season looks exciting, as the dueling weddings finally arrive, but not before a side-trip to Vegas for a bachelorette party that looks like it’s going to rival the Hangover movies – complete with the ladies getting stuck in the desert.

Written by: Josh Feldman