There’s nothing like some tension to start off an episode, and this week, we begin with Lisa who is with her Russian mother-in-law, Marina, as they visit a Russian specialty store.
Marina, ever so casually but not so subtly, greets the owner, Sergei. Lisa learns that her husband, Lenny, used to date Sergei’s niece, who Marina informs her, “was in Playboy,” and Lisa’s all “well, he didn’t put a ring on it” and flashes her rock of a wedding ring. Just in case her mother-in-law forgot. They sit down and have some food, and Lisa tells her she hopes they can come to love each other (despite her already having been married to her son for four years). Marina just gives her a blank look that I’m pretty sure was edited in.
Adriana enters her son Alex’s bedroom holding a cup of tea – what a nice mother! She brings her son tea as he’s doing homework! But Adriana proceeds to sit down on Alex’s bed and starts sipping from the cup herself while she interrogates her son about his friendship with Lea’s son, RJ.
Alex says they don’t talk about their mothers’ problems. Adriana is upset that Lea has been texting RJ behind her back, about him coming to RJ’s birthday party. Alex keeps fidgeting with his hair, looking uncomfortable as Adriana continues to sip her tea and bitch. What a wonderful dynamic they have here. That’s unconditional love, people.
Lenny decides to invite Romain and Frederic over because he doesn’t like conflict, and this is called the Real Housewives of Miami after all, people – we tune in to see the ladies fight, not the men, right? Sure enough, Romain and Frederic seem to patch it up over the course of six sentences/three minutes of airtime. The miracle of editing men of few words!
Alexia once again is at the center of this week’s serious segment, as we follow her and her son, Frankie, at physical therapy. After his jet skiing accident, Alexia explains to us that his frontal lobe was damaged. So his speech and communication abilities have been affected. After physical therapy, we see Frankie go through speech therapy.
Afterward, Alexia meets with her team of doctors and therapists (ah, the things money can buy when you don’t need insurance!) who tell her Frankie’s doing very well, and has made great progress. Still, Alexia wants Frankie to be playing sports again, and sitting with his friends at lunch, doing things “like any other 16-year-old would.” Heavy, I know, but this segment ends quickly. Back to more superficial things…
Who better than Joanna to get rid of the heavy, emotional mojo? She calls up her sister Marta to ask her to be her maid of honor. As soon Marta accepts, Joanna tells her she’s flying to LA last minute this weekend, and wants Marta with her to help her with the dress fitting and the tasting. Marta says she can’t, because she has responsibilities, and has to go to New York for an audition.
Joanna’s mad because she feels she’d drop everything if it were Marta getting married. It’s in this moment we learn that Joanna is also an aspiring comedian – I’m calling it right now: the next Joan Rivers.
Tension with Lisa’s in-laws keep building, as we witness a very awkward dinner Lenny and Lisa have with his parents. As they begin swilling their wine, Marina tells Lisa she doesn’t like that she never returns her calls. Lisa says she doesn’t want to make her mother-in-law a priority because she feels she isn’t liked. Marina rebuts with the classic “my son doesn’t love me anymore after her married you” mother-in-law argument.
Then things just go berserk when Lenny steps in to tell his mother that when she attacks his wife, he’ll defend her. At this point, Lenny goes off on a barrage pretty much: apparently his parents are rude to guests, to the drivers – and on top of that, the maids refuse to come when they visit. Lisa calms Lenny down, and tries to make a joke – but tells Marina she really does want to work on their relationship. We’re shown more edited-in reaction shots of Marina’s poker face before we’re dismissed, thankfully, from the table.
Adriana’s bridesmaids – Marysol, Alexia, and Lisa – gather to try on dresses. Adriana declares she wants everyone in white, and then asks Lisa if she’s going to be in Joanna’s wedding party. Lisa says she hasn’t been asked, but would say yes if she was. Adriana doesn’t want a “double agent,” as if her wedding is a mission sanctioned by the CIA. Continuing her espionage tangent, Adriana whips out a piece of paper and shares with the group some salacious news. Lea apparently had a secret wedding in the 90’s, when she went by another name. “Hypocrite to the bone,” declares Adriana.
Meanwhile, off in Joanna-land, Lea visits and is shocked at how exhausted Joanna looks. She’s still “moving in” and planning her wedding – two of the most stressful things, Lea reminds her – as all around them, maids scurry to clean the floors and unpack. Moving is just so hard when you have a team of Hispanic women helping you, isn’t it?
Lea offers to go with Joanna to Los Angeles to help her. And in a miracle of timing that can only happen on a reality show, Lea calls Lisa, who’s still with the other women, and asks her to come to LA with her and Joanna.
The final act of the episode begins to come together when Lea calls Adriana to formally invite her son to the party. Adriana’s relieved, but thinks she will send Frederic to go in her stead. Hours before the party, Lea’s astonished to find out that her son has ordered stuff and come up with his own theme: gentlemen and war games. He’s ordered top hats and blazers, along with fake machine guns. It’s eerie seeing RJ and his friends run around pretending to blast each other into pieces. And even more so eerie as Lea stands there, watching, telling a friend she hopes the boys know what’s real and what’s not.
Frederic shows up with Alex, as do Alexia and Lisa. Romain and Joanna pull up, but because Romain forgot the gift, they get into a little tiff in the car before they enter the house. As the rain begins to fall, who else but Adriana shows up! Adriana proceeds to greet everyone but Lea. And as this has been a very awkward episode, Lea puts the metaphorical cherry on top of the cake to close out the episode, as she has the Housewives come up to sing happy birthday to her son.
Yep, not awkward at all.
Written by: Josh Feldman