As we return to Miami this week, it’s the day before Lea’s big gala, and Lea is shrieking for her maid Freda, who is AWOL. The phone rings, and Lea puts her hunt for Freda on hold to answer it.
Sidebar: this season, the camera work has gotten really fancy. Lots of angles, which just really helps the whole “is it staged or not” debate.
It’s Alexia on the phone, and she’s calling to tell Lea she has to go to a gay polo match the next day with the other girls (aka Lea’s new enemies) – but she will still make it to her gala. Lea grumbles about how Alexia just has to play all sides, but then she spends a good few minutes kissing Alexia’s ass to make sure she’ll show up, because she needs “pretty people” at her gala, and apparently, Alexia’s husband always has one drink too many and spends a lot of money.
Next up is our regularly scheduled “our Housewives are real people too, with real struggles” segment, and it begins with Lisa and Lenny returning from a visit to their fertility doctor. Lisa’s a bit irritated because Lenny’s all “chipper” and not down about the fact they’ve decided to use a surrogate.
Lenny explains he wanted to have a baby when he was 40, and now he’s 47. Lisa keeps insisting he can’t understand because she wanted to carry the baby, and she feels uncomfortable with the idea of her baby in another woman’s “tummy” (yes, she used that word). Lisa explains to us that Lenny approaches everything scientifically, and because she’s a woman, she’s emotional (right, because you’re a woman). But you see, housewives are real people with real problems. Moving on…
The day of the gala has arrived, at last. As Lea scurries around making final preparations, and complaining about figuring out the seating, the members of the “Haters’ club” (as coined by Lea) gather on a bus. Marysol, Adriana, Ana, and Alexia are joined by Lauren Foster, a socialite, who Marysol explains is “transgender and fabulous.” Lauren is probably best known for her one-liner from last season when she was feuding with a drag queen, and she shouted she wouldn’t be “bullied by that housewife with a wiener.”
The ladies engage in a discussion about what exactly is gay polo (apparently, all the players are gay, as are the horses, who come with their own stylists). Then the ladies realize it’s raining outside, and it begins leaking inside the bus, and Marysol moans about how the rain is getting her Gucci dress wet. Portentous signs, for $500 please, Alex.
Luckily, after the commercial break, the rain has lifted in time for the ladies as they arrive at the polo match. There is a real live cheetah in a cage (ugh) but it does give us this golden one-liner from Adrianna as the ladies fawn over it: “those cougars love a tiger.”
Back in Miami, it’s time for our “WTF guest star of the week” and as always, it’s for a segment with Lea, as she welcomes Taylor Hicks, American Idol winner, to her hotel room. Taylor looks extremely uncomfortable, which is probably due to the fact Lea keeps petting him. The doorbell rings, and it’s Lea’s jeweler. Taylor who?
Lea forgets about him as she tries on her jewelry for the night, including $25 million earrings and a $4 million dollar necklace. Taylor continues to look uncomfortable as Lea throws her jewelry on, and then asks him what song he’d sing to her. Taylor doesn’t even give her an answer. He was probably too busy calculating just how much he was earning at that very second to prevent himself from just running out of the room.
Speaking of jewelry – we check in on Lisa, who’s getting dressed for the gala. Lenny rushes in, late because of surgeries that got backed up, and Lisa’s pissed. Lenny apologizes, and conveniently whips out a brand new necklace for Lisa, because they’re about to begin another cycle of fertility treatments (and not because he was, you know, running late due to surgery). Lisa’s thrilled and all is well.
She goes to the hotel to visit Lea, who’s now dressed, and so Lea can catch her up on what she missed at Alexia’s party last week. This is our regular “rehashing-slash-backstabbing-slash-recap” segment.
Over in West Palm Beach, Alexia is freaking out because Herman’s sent her a car service to bring her home to ensure she gets dressed and ready for the gala on time. The polo match ends, and it’s time for Alexia to fess up. As soon as she tells the girls she’s going to the gala, the women turn on her.
Seriously, it’s like flicking a switch. The women shut her out and Alexia loses it. “This is not about winning, or losing!” She says before she gets off the bus. It’s all about the kids, right? The charity? The women don’t care, and they grumble about how Alexia’s playing both sides of the fence.
But that fight was for naught, as we see Alexia return home to perform some coughing. She puts on a robe and lies on the bed, calls Lea to inform her she’s just feeling too sick to come. Lea barely has time to process the call because she’s so busy entertaining, and we’re treated to the sight of Dennis Rodman in a wacky blue polka dot blazer, accompanied by a seven-foot tall drag queen.
The bidding for the auction begins, and Lea has the damnedest time trying to auction off her items. “I’m like, what’s up?” Lea says, trying to be hip with the lingo. What’s up, Lea, is that your items are frankly, shit. The auction, thankfully, ends. And Lea tells everyone to “party down” because Flo Rida comes onstage to sing. And we’re treated to a very bizarre sight: Flo Rida rapping as mostly elderly people in suits and dresses try their best to “party down.”
And I’m outta.
Written by: Josh Feldman