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The Real Housewives of Miami 3×04 “Black Magic” Recap

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Joanna is blindfolded, as we return to Miami this week. She’s complaining it’s ruining her hair and make-up. Are she and Romain finally having sex again? No. Romain is driving her to a secret location: a new house!

As soon as the blindfold comes off, Joanna’s face is all “What is this shack?” and as soon as they go inside, she complains about the furniture, which is too modern.  She prefers the “Louis XVII or the XVII… those old guys.”

But the view, y’all, is amazeballs, and Joanna is entranced. She tries to get Romain to have sex, and jumps on him. But he’s like, there’s no mattress, Joanna, and the movers are coming in a few minutes. She proceeds to dry hump him outside in the backyard, as he’s walking into the house, carrying her. Dear lord, someone have sex with this woman.

 

Alexia visits Marysol, who has a guest: Cari, her psychic. Cari seriously looks like the witch from that 1980’s movie Teen Witch, and I’m waiting for Robyn Lively to show up somewhere. Cari asks Marysol to shuffle and cut a deck of tarot cards, and I don’t know if it’s all the chunky bracelets or rings she has on her fingers, but Marysol has some difficulty even shuffling the cards. It’s sad.

Finally, she’s able to cut the cards, and the psychic starts telling Marysol that black magic is being performed on her mother. Marysol clutches her chest. The psychic even goes on to tell her that this person performing black magic is blonde, older, and manipulative. You can practically see “Lea!” pop up in a thought bubble above Marysol’s head. And conveniently, we cut away to an interview in where Marysol tells us Lea has not wished her mother well or sent get well flowers. That’s some black magic right there.

Speaking of black magic… Lea invites Lisa to join her on a kitchen tile hunt. The life of a Miami housewife! We meet decorators Hernan and Fabio, who are interior designers, and very cute (and maybe partners-wink-wink-partners too?). She is remodeling her kitchen, and the men whip out some gorgeous tiles to look at. The women immediately see the tiles as a metaphor for their social life, and talk about the “incident” at the club last week with all the women running into each other.

 

Lea tells Lisa she doesn’t need a relationship counselor, she’s been lied to too deeply by Adrian, and Lisa says she “washes her hands” of it then. Hernan and Fabio, amazingly, do not even glance at each other with an “are those bitches serious?” look. Maybe they aren’t gay.

We find Joanna in a sex therapist’s office, an annoyed look on her face, as she keeps calling Romain’s phone. He’s not there? Shocker.

The therapist begins talking to Joanna, who just launches into a whole tangent about how her relationship with her sister is so fraught right now. The tears start flowing, and the therapist tells an embarrassed Joanna not to worry, because the tissues are free. But are sex therapists trained to talk about sister problems? Aren’t they trained to talk about, you know, sex?

Joanna blathers on about her sister some more before the conversation finally turns to sex, and Joanna’s like, I just want to fuck! “That’s why I tell him he’s like the girl in the relationship,” and the therapist makes Joanna realize she is emasculating Romain every time she tells him he’s like the girl in their relationship. There is the briefest glimmer of recognition on Joanna’s face, but that may just be her make-up.

 

Lea arrives at a radio station, where she is a guest on (drum roll please, for our WTF guest star of the week) Lance Bass’s show. Lea informs us that she and Lance are so close they are like Lucy and Ethel, but she will let Lance be Lucy this week, as it is his radio show. Lea shamelessly plugs her upcoming gala, and shows us she is meta enough by shouting out, “shameless plug!”

At the same time, Alexia arrives at her husband’s magazine, Venue, where she prepares to deal with her crisis of the week: the upcoming cover party! In an interview, Alexia tells us she’s so busy with so many things, she’s not sure if she’ll be able to go to Lea’s gala. Gosh, Alexia, I’m so sorry you’re so busy.

We return to Joanna and Romain, as they unpack in their new house. Romain’s still mad about some text Joanna’s sister sent to her. Joanna’s mad that he stood her up at the therapist’s office. Once again, their conversation turns to sex – dear lord, someone sleep with BOTH those people.

Romain’s like, you just turn over and go to sleep as soon as you get in bed, you know. And Joanna complains that most men just want the hole, but Romain wants romance. Romain says yes, he wants to “dig to get to the hole.” And Joanna groans, calls Romain a girl again. Oh, so there was no look of recognition in the therapist’s office.

 

Adriana visits Lisa, who has the requisite glasses of wine ready, because every housewife cannot begin talking, or sniping, without some vino in her. The women discuss how often they have sex (it’s official: the Miami housewives are the horniest in the franchise) and Lisa moans how she doesn’t have sex that often anymore. Adriana tells Lisa she used a sexy nurse’s uniform the other day with Frederic because he wasn’t feeling well. She proceeds to whip out the uniform from her purse and gives it to Lisa.

I hope it wasn’t the same one she used. And Lisa takes this opportunity to whip out something: no, not a dildo. The copy of Adriana’s marriage license she got from Joanna last week. Adriana’s all, ugh, this again? She gives Lisa an explanation (which is basically the same every time she re-tells it, but the wording is always slightly different in each iteration which might not be helping but hey, chick knows like five languages).

Lea shows up at Alexia’s party, and uh-oh, there are barely any people there. Lea explains to us she blew off Lance Bass for dinner to come to the party, and no one is here, so she’s miffed. As she waits, we cut away to Lisa, who’s in a bubble bath with Lenny: she’s blowing off the girls to have sex with her husband (finally, someone’s getting some in this town!)

 

Back at the club, Alexia greets Lea, who gets on her feet (literally) to beg Alexia and her husband, Herman, to come to her gala. Herman pulls her to her feet (thank god because I was getting secondhand embarrassment). Adriana and Frederic arrive, as do Romain and Joanna. Frederic decides to say hello to Romain and all hell breaks loose, as the two start shouting at each other in French. Those men do not like each other, and we learn it’s because Frederic tweeted something about Romain being a little girl (This again? Maybe there’s some truth to this?)

Adriana chooses to step in and start yelling side-by-side with her “husband” and shouts to the entire room that Romain is cheating on Joanna with a Colombian woman. Joanna barely says anything, keeping her cool. It’s official: Joanna wins this week. Sorry, Adrianna.

And, as is the case every week after a fight at some club or restaurant, the episode comes to a close with both camps splitting apart and moaning about how they want to go home… so they can not have sex.

Written by: Josh Feldman