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How to Properly Eat Away Your Feelings for the “Breaking Bad” Series Finale

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When it comes to bidding adieu to our favorite Albuquerque drug lord, an old bridal rhyme for getting through proves strangely useful: “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something Heisenberg blue.”

Well, close enough.

Yes, the end is nigh, folks, and in preparation for Breaking Bad‘s bittersweet swan song, I’m battening down the emotional hatches the best way I know how — with tasty, supremely unhealthy party food, of course. Divided into four subcategories, this is my Foodie Tour of Breaking Bad (you know, like Olive Garden’s Tour of Italy… But with 100% more breakfast and meth references).

Something Old

Remember back to yesteryear, a time and an era largely untouched by the scourge of twerking. In the land of Breaking Bad, Walter White is still a high school chemistry teacher. He’s close with his family, and he’s just starting to dabble in extracurricular drug-making activities. The old days really are the good old days for a reason, so let’s fill our tummies with their scrumptious, comforting offerings.

1. Bacon and Eggs
Take a lesson from Walt Jr. (er… Flynn) and pay your respects to the most important meal of the deal. Extra points for arranging the bacon into numbers over the eggs like Skyler.

2. Los Pollos Hermanos
Now Gus Fring was a man who seriously knew how to run a drug empire/fast-food chain. Honor his half-of-a-face memory — hmm I think I forgot to mention that there are spoilers in this, didn’t I? Oh well, too late — with a big bag of greasy El Pollo Loco chicken. (KFC will do in a pinch.)

3. Schraderbrau
Any beer will do (or beverage for that matter) as long as you only refer to it as Schraderbrau — as in, “Schraderbrau me, bro.” A moment of silence before guzzling, for our dearly departed Hank, is also highly recommended.

Something New

Mo’ meth money, mo’ problems. As the seasons ticked by, our conflicted protagonist transformed into a frightening antagonist. And while his ego-fueled rampages had us riveted (“I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger.”) the outlook of the show’s arc looked grimmer than ever. Here’s to at least one happy ending? Maybe just one not-so-terribly-awful ending? For Jesse at least?

1. Cinnabon
Scarf down a delicious Cinnabon as a tribute to the illustrious new career of Saul Goodman. The former lawyer is now in Mr. Vacuum Repairman’s special brand of witness protection, and last we saw of him, he was hoping he’d be manning a Cinnabon store.

2. Ice Cream
Celebrate a good meth cook (96% purity, to be exact) the way Todd and his uncles do with a scoop of ice cream. Sure, their crew is awful and Nazi-ish, but ice cream is ice cream — and no good “eating your feelings” article leaves out ice cream.

3. Can of Beans
You don’t really need to eat this, but if you want to sympathize with hermit Walt, than this is the way to do it. Cook beans over a dying stove for best results.

Something Borrowed

Remember when Marie had a “borrowing” problem — the one she needed to go to a psychiatrist for? Unleash your inner kleptomaniac by stealing a few tasty treats from your local grocery store. JUST KIDDING. Seriously, don’t do that. Go buy these purple things with money.

1. Purple Macarons
Mmmmmm.  Are macarons ever mentioned on Breaking Bad? I honestly have no clue. Macarons are yummy, though, and Marie wore purple for four straight seasons, so it makes sense.

2. Purple Grapes
See reason above. Also, freeze these grapes ahead of time for a chilly viewing party treat.

Something Blue

At last, it comes down to this. Blue Sky. Blue Magic. Big Blue. Fring’s Blue. Heisenberg Blue. Unless you’re an expert chemist or a professional drug cook, it’s going to be tough to get your hands on 99.1% chemically pure crystal methamphetamine. Especially legally. Avoid hard time with these delectable alternatives.

1. Blue Gatorade
This is sort of a double whammy. It’s meth-colored and it’s one of Jesse’s go-to drinks. Enthusiastically shout out “Gatorade me, bitch” when in need of a refill. (Be careful who you say this to.)

2. Blue 7-11 Slurpee
Not quite a liquid; not quite a solid. It’s a chemical mystery! (Not really.) Just make sure to suck down this icy magic drink before it turns to sludge.

3. Blue Rock Candy
Here it is: the meth substitute for serious Breaking Bad fans around the world. Crack up the candy treat and serve on a tray for best results.

The season finale of Breaking Bad will air on AMC this Sunday, September 27 at 9 PM.

Written by: Hayley I.

  • Smitty JL

    Awesome – Pizza, not sliced of course, In honor of Jesse’s generosity while his house was a 24-7 meth party.