After some sweeping, heavy-handed shots of storms gathering over the city of Miami, we return to the dramatic showdown from last week between Adriana and Lea.
Adriana, having had enough, walks out into the rain. Lea is quick to run outside with an umbrella, trying to help Adriana (and no doubt mentally high-fiving the rain for helping her look good here). The ladies continued their back-and-forth for a few more minutes before Adriana’s cab finally arrived, just as the rain conveniently stopped. Don’t you love it when nature works with your reality TV producers?
“How did we get here?” Adriana moans in an interview edited to shots of her getting into her cab and driving off. Well, Adriana, it probably all started when you signed on to do this show.
Meanwhile, in another part of now-sunny Miami, Joanna “Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful” Krupa goes to a tennis match with her fiancé, Romain. They watch Maria Sharapova play, and Romain is really into the game, because he “knows” so much about the game compared to Joanna, who at one point asks if they’re warming up or actually playing. Joanna is shocked at all the grunting from the players, and keeps pointing out Maria Sharapova’s ass to Romain.
And apparently looking at Maria Sharapova’s ass is an adequate segue into a conversation about how they have stopped having sex.
“We need to fix it if we’re going to get married,” barks Joanna. Romain tells her to shush because the players can hear them talking about their nonexistent sex life. But not before he tells her she needs to spice it up, and to “change the sauce” which baffles Joanna, who thought the kitchen and the bedroom were two different rooms. Joanna proceeds to inform the audience she’s had sex in elevators, private jets, and in night clubs so she’s not boring. Okay, Joanna, you’re sexually adventurous, we get it.
Alexia, the self-proclaimed Cuban Barbie doll, spends the first few minutes of her segment talking about her kids. Younger son Frankie was in a bad jet skiing accident and his recovery has Alexia believing in miracles. Then Alexia proceeds to defend her older son Peter, who “used to be a model” but has been changed by Frankie’s accident: he has long hair now, is kinda doughy, and wants to be a rock star.
It was because of “his brother’s love for music” that Peter has chosen to become a musician, Alexia informs us. And this is why Alexia had a recording studio built in the house. Peter and Frankie then rap in front of their mother, and the lyrics “my ho, she trying to jump my dick, I’ll take my time and bone slow” barely make Alexia wince. She’s such a cool mom. Next she’ll be breaking out the margaritas for happy hour.
Next we journey to the “house that boobs built” where Lisa sits in her bathroom in a teddy. She calls Lea to arrange a girls night out, because she’s not happy that Lenny is going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. Lisa complains that she doesn’t have enough days in the week to see the ladies individually, and she wishes she could just get all the girls together in a group. Lenny then comes into the bathroom with a glass of wine for Lisa. He brushes her teeth as she drinks her wine. This is how married couples seduce each other?
When they get to bed, Lenny is like, Let’s turn off the lights up in here, I’m tired. The room goes dark, but Lisa is antsy and cannot sleep. She has Lenny turn the lights on again and she unloads on him all her issues about not being able to get pregnant. Regretting giving her that glass of wine now, huh, Lenny?
It’s a new day in Miami, and Alexia sits on the dock with her mother, just as a boat comes by with people who shout “Peter’s Mom” when they see Alexia, and I swear it’s like Alexia has just been called the Pope. She waves her hands and screams, “Peter’s Mom! Peter’s Mom!” along with the fans.
Peter is very famous here, she explains to her mother. Yeah, for videotaping himself punching a homeless man and getting his ass thrown in jail, maybe? For some sympathy, and character rebuilding, Alexia tells us about Peter and Frankie’s birth father, who was arrested for drug trafficking. Alexia had to make the difficult decision to leave him and find another rich man to marry. Character rebuilding segment over!
On another dock, Marysol meets Adriana. Marysol is all frazzled, having just come from the hospital, and Adriana pours her some champagne, STAT. Marysol tells Adriana about how her mother flatlined for a few moments, but snapped out of it. Marysol brings Adriana a “mantila” (wedding shawl) that her mother wanted to make sure Adriana had for her wedding. Serious stuff aside, Adriana begins to vent about her encounter with Lea.
Marysol asks Adriana if she will invite Lea to her wedding, and Adriana pauses here for a very dramatic chord. Marysol tells Adriana “the best place you can be is not to be Lea’s friend” which is kinda confusing, geographically. How does one get to that “best place”? Airplane? Boat? Vicodin? Her experience with Lea, Adriana explains to the audience, has brought her closer to Marysol because now she has joined the “Victim’s Club.” Oh, honey, it’s so cute you think that’s an actual club.
Alexia meets with Lea because she’s been hearing Lea has been saying bad things about her son Peter, and it is pissing her off. But Lea takes the first chance to talk and goes into the whole Adriana debacle. Alexia begins chugging her white wine before she calls Lea out on the rumors she’s heard. Lea denies them adamantly, with the requisite hand-denying gestures. Alexia just lets it go, but assures us she still doesn’t trust Lea.
Lisa meets up with Lea and Joanna for drinks. “Happy, grateful, excited!” Lea shouts as a toast, because apparently toasts that are full sentences are not in anymore. Lisa complains that she isn’t having enough sex, and Joanna feels better she isn’t the only one. Then – dramatic chord! – the other Housewives arrive at the very same club. Lea thinks she’s being stalked, but Marysol calls Lisa out for inviting everyone and not telling them who was going to come. What a mastermind you are, Lisa!
The two sides stay to their own groups, with Alexia doing an awkward shuffle between them. But Lea decides she’s had enough and walks out. As soon as she’s clear of the restaurant – but not the cameras – she calls her husband and begins crying. Lisa and Joanna come out to console her. Lisa doesn’t understand why Lea is so upset with Adrianna and Joanna – coinky dinky – pulls out a copy of Adriana’s marriage license. She lied about not being married!
Lisa claims she wants to be fair and will have this investigated. Joanna tells her the copy is hers (because she has 5,000 back home). Back inside, Adrianna does more shots with Alexia and Marysol. Then the ladies start throwing napkins around because that’s what Housewives do! They take shots and throw napkins around!
And another glorious week in Miami comes to a close. See you back here next Tuesday for more Miami Haterade!
Written by: Josh Feldman