in Video Games

Five Favorite “Saints Row IV” Weapons

WARNING: Semi-NSFW. Giant purple dildos ahead. View at your own risk (risk of uncontrollable laughter, that is).

So since I’ve spent the past few days practically glued to my copy of Saints Row IV zooming around the streets of Steelport blowing up aliens, I figured I’d put together a list of my favorite (read: most ridiculous) weapons. They might not be the most useful or practical weapons to use, but I always find myself coming back to these ones just because they’re oh-so-fun to destroy things with.

Without further ado:

1. The Penetrator

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Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a gigantic purple jelly dildo.

Fans of Saints Row: The Third may be pleased to hear this melee weapon makes its triumphant return in Saints Row IV. It takes a little exploring to find (unless you’re a cheating cheater like me and googled its location) but when you do, it’s a glorious sight to behold. Mostly because there’s a big spotlight sparkling off its shiny rubber exterior.

You can also customize The Penetrator to look like a candy cane if you’re in a festive mood, or make it glow in the dark for twice the hilarity.

2. The Dubstep Gun

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Have you ever been sitting around casually listening to some dubstep and thought to yourself, “it would be fantastic if I could blast things to bits using the drop in this song”? Well, this is your lucky day, because that’s exactly what The Dubstep Gun does. What’s even better is that shooting this gun causes anyone caught in its path to dance erratically.

Oh, and if you change the gun’s weapon skin, you also change the song it shoots. My personal favorite is the Industrial skin, for purely aesthetic reasons.

3. The Inflato-Ray

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The Inflato-Ray actually really freaks me out, but I can’t stop myself from using it. I get so enraptured by the way it freakishly enlarges body parts. I never know whether to laugh or shrink in disgust as the weapon swells up its target’s head until it explodes in a spray of blood, but since I usually end up laughing, I figure this is a pretty cool weapon.

4. Black Hole Launcher

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It’s exactly what it sounds like: a gun that launches black holes that sucks anyone and anything around it into its suck-y black hole. This thing is absolutely fantastic when you want to quickly wipe a few UFOs or cop cars from existence (or, you know, random innocent passersby. I’m not gonna judge you because I do it too. It’s fun.)

I’m just gonna take a moment to quote BBC’s Luther here on this topic: “A black hole… is evil at its most pure. Something that drags you in, crushes you, makes you…nothing.” Yup, sounds pretty freakin’ awesome to me.

5. Abduction Gun

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Any game containing nefarious alien conquerers bent on making humanity submit to their will would be incomplete without a reference to alien abductions… or cows. In Saints Row IV, that reference takes the form of the Abduction Gun. This weapons calls down a beam of blue light that whisks people away to places unknown – and probably very unpleasant.

Unfortunately there are no actual cows in the game to abduct, so you have to make do with either angry aliens or hapless humans. Take your pick.

How are you enjoying Saints Row IV? Do you have a weapon of choice? Comment below to let us know!