Archer 1×02 “A Going Concern”
Archer and his fellow agents spring into action to prevent Malory, who lost all her money in a Ponzi scheme, from selling ISIS to ODIN.
Remember that itty bitty microchip the KGB shoved into Archer’s brain back in season 1? So do the Archer show creators, because this episode starts off with Archer and Krieger discovering said microchip and then surgically removing it. Yay, continuity!
Archer and Malory get into one of their usual fights, which ends with Malory yelling at him that she’s selling ISIS because she’s flat broke. Cheryl the gossip queen happens to pass by and hears the whole thing, so she runs straight to the others and tells them everything.
Meanwhile, Barry is wining and dining Lana (at what seems to be the only ODIN and ISIS-approved restaurant in town because this is like the third time everyone’s been to this locale). He’s the one filling her in on the news of ISIS’ impending demise, and drops a hint that they might be looking to promote Lana to Regional Director. So long as she’s down to sleep with him for the job. Barry keeps getting skeevier and skeevier the more we see him.
Back at ISIS headquarters, everyone is struggling to come up with a plan to stop Len Trexler, head of ODIN, from buying ISIS and firing everybody. Which is of course the exact moment when Trexler swans in and practically announces his plans to marry Malory. Archer vomits all over the carpet.
That does give Cyril an idea, though: if they can get Trexler to fall out of love with Malory, they can keep him from buying ISIS. And because emotions like love come from the brain, Archer decides to go fetch the mind control microchip from his mother’s safe. A safe that is wired to 12 pounds of explosives.
Archer calls in the resident explosives expert, perfect sunshine angel Ray Gillette, to help him make it not go boom anymore. Archer succeeds in getting the chip out of the safe drawer, but in the process of doing so he accidentally switches his mother’s vibrator on. I am cackling.
Ray coaches a disgusted Archer into turning the thing off, and they continue on with the mind-controlling Trexler plan. A plan which is quickly falling apart at the seams, because Krieger just accidentally dosed himself with LSD. Also, pill-popping Cyril’s new nickname is Pill-bo Baggins. (That last one wasn’t really a problem, I just wanted to throw “Pill-bo” into this recap because that nickname is inspired.
The surgery goes off without a hitch (and with the best Clockwork Orange reference ever). Trexler now no longer wants anything to do with Malory, Archer is somehow awesome and terrible at the same time, and Malory is still broke, broke, broke, flat broke. (She ain’t got it!)
Malory: You think he wanted to mind control you into loving him?
Archer: You tell me, Mother, that’s your specialty!
Malory: Get out.
Archer: Mother, you’ve been lying to me my whole life. Just this once, I want to hear the truth.
Malory: And people in hell want ice water.
Lana: Barry, that’s my dream job!
Barry: Yours for the taking… if you are similarly mine. For the taking.
Lana: ‘Taking’ as in to get this job, I have to have sex with you?
Barry: Hey, hey, those are your words. And… also mine, yes.
Cheryl: Ow, my earballs!
Cyril: Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?
Pam: That is some high priced MILF.
Archer: Hey! Shut up! And think of a way to get Trexler to not want my mother.
Pam: We could give her a MILF-ectomy.
Ray: Try to think about something else. Like how there’s no sink in there.
Archer: So what if there’s no – OH MY GOD. THERE’S NO SINK!
Archer: There’s not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that. I touched my mother’s dildo.
Archer 1×03 “Blood Test”
When his favorite hooker claims that he’s the father of her baby boy, Archer goes to extremes to manipulate the results of a paternity test.
Oh man, the continuity in this show. Trinette, aka the call girl that Cyril almost killed last season, makes a reappearance in this episode claiming that Archer is the father of her baby boy, Seamus. Grandma Malory is not happy.
There’s going to be a paternity test to confirm Archer’s parentage, but it has to be administered by a third party… which is where Barry and ODIN come in the picture. They go to extreme measures to keep Archer from messing with the results of the paternity test, including leaving Archer in a weakened state by taking a liter of blood for the test, holing up the sample in a heavily guarded bank vault, etc. Once they’re alone, Malory orders Archer to break into the vault and replace his blood sample with someone else’s.
Meanwhile, Ray and Pam want to throw a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus, and plan to have it at Archer’s place because it’s big and roomy (and because he’ll hate that idea with a passion). Archer finds this all out when he gets back to his apartment post-blood-drawing.
The baby shower goes swimmingly: a drunken Lana begs Ray to pump a baby into her, Malory doses Cyril with heroin so Archer can get his blood for the switcheroo plan, and Cheryl dreams of adopting babies so she can abandon them at malls.
Cyril’s blood sample is (eventually) successfully taken, and Archer sets out on his mission to sabotage the paternity test. While totally drunk off Melon Balls and still missing a liter of his blood. To top it off, Lana and Malory are going through his baby things back at his apartment, and the barrage of tiny clothing makes Malory so nostalgic she calls Archer and begs him to stop the operation.
Archer switches the blood samples anyways, because he’s a dick who was not at all swayed by the emotional speech that poor Malory gave. Not that it matters, of course, because the next day we find out that Barry had the whole thing rigged from the beginning – and the paternity test reads Archer as the baby daddy. Yaaay!
Archer: Why is that ‘who’ named after me?
Malory: Because he’s your son. You colossal f**king idiot.
Malory: I’m not ready to be a grandmother.
Archer: Really? But you’re so…
Archer: No, old.
Pam: You guys should totally do that! The Mochacchino ones are the cutest! Guess he’d be half gay too, though. So can you say “best dancer ever”?
Malory: Why the hell were you drinking?
Archer: Uh, hello? It’s a party!
Malory: It’s a baby shower for the bastard child you pumped into that filthy whore!
Archer: Ha. I’m obviously not saying now, but one of these days… you’re gonna make the best grandma ever.
Archer: God, the one time she acts like a human being and it’s now. Was it when I wanted a puppy? No. Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.