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Check Out This Week’s Terrible Movie Trailers

canyons

You know the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Well, I try to apply that same logic to movies. Since there’s no actual cover for a movie (actually, I guess you could count the poster… no, dammit, off-topic), I try to keep the judgement to a minimum when it comes to trailers.

Every once in a while, though, a movie comes along that I can’t stop myself from treating like a previously home-schooled prep school transfer student that I’ve just met for the first time.

This time, there are two:

The Canyons

A contemporary L.A. noir… about the dangers of sexual obsession and ambition, both personally and professionally, among a group of young people in their 20’s and how one chance meeting connected to the past unravels all of their lives, resulting in deceit, paranoia, cruel mind games and ultimately violence. [The Canyons Official Facebook Page]

I don’t understand what happened to Lindsay Lohan. She had such a promising career back in, what was it… 2004 (before all the cocaine stuff)? By now, she should be in some pretty good, much higher budget stuff. Alas, she isn’t, and things don’t seem to be turning around with this offering.

Other than Lohan, the film features the likes of James Deen – who I wish was capable of breaking the “porn stars can’t act” cliché (spoiler: he can’t) – and that one evil Warbler from Glee.

Adding to the ridiculousness is that this movie was written by Bret Easton Ellis, a guy everyone was obsessed with in the ’80s because he wrote American Psycho and Less Than Zero, but then – decades later – Twitter was invented and everyone realized he’s actually a huge turd.

Other than annoyed, this trailer mostly just leaves me confused.

Release Date: August 2, 2013

Jug Face

The story of a pregnant teen trying to escape a backwoods community when she discovers that she may be sacrificed to a creature in a pit. – [Jug Face Official Website]

Jug Face immediately bought to mind an older, equally hilariously titled horror movie called Bag Head. Going into this trailer, I was expecting something akin to that film – which featured the typical “cabin in the woods” horror trope, but with a psychological twist.

Instead, we get what looks like a slow-burning psychological thriller about a backwoods cult and… the rain-filled hole they worship. I’m assuming they’re going for a Martha Marcy May Marlene vibe, but really the trailer just comes off hokey and over the top.

Hey, I’m all for movies about gods coming forth from pits to exact vengeance (in fact I’d like to see that, right now), but I’d rather it not also try to be a slow-build character piece, because the two obviously don’t mix well.

I didn’t recognize a single person in the trailer, but I don’t know the entirety of Hollywood, so here are a few of the stars: Lauren Ashley Carter, Sean Bridgers, and Sean Young. (Okay, I know who Sean Young is, and I’m so sorry Sean Young.)

Release Date: August 9, 2013

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What did you think of these trailers? Have I made a horrible error in judgement?