We finally made it to the Season One finale of Archer, guys! The synopsis for this one is quite interesting: “Archer gets into a ferocious fight with Malory over the identity of his father, and Lana decides to get even with Cyril.” Oooh. Let’s get into the recap!
The episode starts off with a flash-forward of Malory Archer sound asleep in bed during a stormy night. But wait – what’s that?! A sudden noise wakes her from her slumber! Malory quickly pulls a gun out from under her pillow and aims it at… her son, Sterling Archer, who’s covered in blood soaked bathrobe holding a meat cleaver. Say whaaat?
Back up to earlier in the day, before all this happened: Pam, head of H.R., is putting up a notice on a corkboard for all ISIS employees to cease their workplace shenanigans. By this I mean fucking. When Cyril has the gall to act surprised about this turn of events, Pam stapleguns his chest and informs him that this is all his fault because he cheated on Lana.
Archer, of course, chooses that exact moment to swan up and offer his two cents, which basically boil down to “yeah dude what the hell, at least I cheated on Lana with hot chicks. Except for Cheryl. I just did her because I was bored.” Aww, poor Cheryl. It’s okay, girl, you’ll find someone nice who’ll agree to choke you eventually.
Pam informs the group that she’s giving everyone until Friday to get their rocks off. It’s not so much because she’s being nice, it’s more because she intends to find someone in the office to bang before then.
Archer leaves the conversation to go hang out in his mommy’s office and winds “meeting” his potential father for the first time. And when I say “meeting,” I mean that Nikolai, the leader of the KGB, randomly popped up on Malory’s viewscreen holding bright pink lingerie and saying “Hello son!” to poor traumatized Archer.
Malory tries to smooth things over with one of her non-explanations, but Archer isn’t having any of it.
Neither is Nikolai; upon finding out that he’s one of three possible fathers for Archer, he and his second-in-command plot to kidnap Archer, place a mind-control microchip in his brain, and bring him to Russia to conduct a “Papa Test.” If Archer does turn out to be Nikolai’s son, Nikolai will use the chip to turn Archer against his mother.
He hires Uta and Mannfred (remember them from a few episodes back? They crashed Malory’s dinner party with such style and grace) to kick his plan off by kidnapping Archer in New York.
Meanwhile at ISIS headquarters, the antics continue. Pam keeps failing at finding someone to have sex with. Lana grills Cyril on who else he cheated on her with, and then decides to get her revenge by pretending to screw every last guy in the building right on Cyril’s desk. She does end up giving Pam a pity fuck, though.
Cheryl also tries to break up with choke-buddy Krieger because he has “woman hands” and she needs someone with big man hands to bang. Krieger’s response is to build a robot arm with which to choke Cheryl. I do not see this ending well.
Archer is off getting absolutely plastered at a bar somewhere when a badly-disguised Uta cries out that her baby needs help. Archer belches and shrugs, about to stagger off someplace else, just before Mannfred thwacks Archer over the head with an umbrella.
They bring Archer back to some sort of serial killer warehouse/meat packing plant, where they do brain surgery on him using a drill and some tweezers, and then speed away in their mini-van. Over in Russia, Nikolai is being told that the mind-control microchip actually… doesn’t work all too well. Apparently it only turns on when a satellite is directly above Archer; once the satellite gets out of range, the mind control no longer works.
Oh yeah, and if a cell phone goes off near Archer it makes him go into a homicidal rage. I probably should’ve started off with that one.
So that pretty much answers why Archer was at Malory’s apartment in the middle of the night covered in blood and holding a meat cleaver. Now that Malory knows he’s relatively safe and sound, she intends to kick him out – but Archer manages to wheedle a grilled cheese out of her using his tears.
They end up having a semi-serious conversation, where Malory tells him that just because she lied about his father’s identity doesn’t mean Archer doesn’t have a father, and that no matter what he’ll always have her. (I paraphrased this a lot. Obviously.
When Malory whips out her phone to call him a cab, she triggers the homicidal rage glitch again. This causes Archer to full on attack his mama with the cleaver (and also gives us viewers a nice The Shining reference.) Malory is forced to riddle her son’s body with bullet holes in order to snap him out of his trance.
Malory, honey, you’re looking a mite too happy there. Your son has just been shot. By you.
Archer survives, of course. He grudgingly admits that father or not, his mother’s always been there for him, and that he really does appreciate it. He and Malory share a sweet, tender moment… right up until Malory calls him an ass. Yay bonding!
And that does it for the first season of Archer! Tune in next time as I binge-watch and then very slowly recap Season Two!
Pam: Because somebody in this building is gonna have sex with me.
Archer: Yeah? You think between now and Friday you can score some roofies?
Archer: Mother! Are you out of your mind?!
Malory: I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Stuben bar set!
Archer: Well you just destroyed my innocence!
Malory: Oh, please. That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Malory: I could never say “no” to a drummer.
Archer: Did you ever say “no” to anybody?
Pam: Come on, have sex with me! Nobody would ever know.
ISIS agent: Yeah… I’d know.
Lady: That’s not even a real baby!
Mannfred: And that is? I thought you were going to the fair with your prize turnip.
Lana: Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
Cyril: Well… she’d just been diagnosed with breast cancer, and…
Lana: Ohhh, right, I forgot. Your dick’s full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Cyril: Why are you even here?
[Ray shows him his ticket number]
Cyril: What – but you’re gay!
Ray: Girl, please. Nobody’s that gay.
Archer: Grill… cheese. Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I’m not grilling you a cheese!
[Archer starts sobbing]
Malory: Oh, for god’s sake.