Archer 1×08 “The Rock” Recap
When ODIN shows up at ISIS yet again, Lana and Archer plot to get their revenge by stealing a priceless diamond belonging to ODIN’s best client.
This episode starts off with Lana and Archer breaking into the San Marino Palace to steal a gigantic diamond. Have these ISIS agents gone rogue? Are they no longer spies working for… who do they work for again? The government? Eh, who cares.
Anywho, never fear, Lana and Archer haven’t become internationally wanted thieves. They’re on an ISIS sanctioned mission to showcase the building’s flaws so Malory can secure a lucrative contract as the San Marino Palace security consultant. The plan goes down more or less successfully (minus some minor property damage and accidentally poisoned security guards) but San Marino gives the contract to rival spy agency ODIN anyways.
Malory swears vengeance, and dispatches Lana and Archer to steal the diamond again – this time, for real.
Diamonds seem to be the theme of this episode (which, you know, makes sense, cause it’s titled “The Rock”) because while all this is going on, Cyril is agonizing over his impending marriage proposal to Lana. Pam, who so far is the only one who knows about this, knocks his choice of engagement ring (you bought a brown diamond the size of a pebble, Cyril, honestly) before suggesting he get the office to unionize so he can get a higher salary and buy a less embarrassing ring.
The strike goes badly. It also drives a further wedge between Cyril and Lana, who admits to getting paid way more than the rest of the office drones do.
To top it off, when Archer and Lana finally make it past the picket lines and back to San Marino Palace, they find about a jillion new guards they have to get past. Let’s see, one jillion agents versus two – I wonder who will win this fight? Thaaaat’s right, not Lana and Archer. As they run away from the barrage of bullets ODIN is raining down on them, they make a call to the still-on-strike drones back at headquarters, who refuse to help unless Malory gives them a cost of living adjustment.
In turn, Mother Of The Year Malory Archer refuses the terms until Lana and Archer decide to give up their bonuses to pay for it. The two of them are successfully extracted from San Marino, the workers get their raises, and Malory has a lukewarm salad and zero diamonds. It’s a good day to be at ISIS.
[Malory while painting her nails]
Malory: Oh my god! What shade is that, crack whore red?!
Cyril: Because I am going to ask Lana to marry me!
Pam: And you’re gonna give her that if she says no? Like a big screw you and your big Lincoln log-y fingers?
Trexler: Oh, Malory. Even on – what is this, 1080p? – you look just as supple and sexy as the day I first laid eyes on you.
Archer: Where, in a wax museum?
Lana: Where’s the hobbit guy?
Archer: A frickin’ hobbit works here?
Lana: No, he’s just a –
Archer: Lana, they’re called “little people,” not “hobbits.”
Lana: He’s a hobbit enthusiast.
Malory: Just the same entitled crap as always. “I can’t make ends meet,” “I’m on food stamps,” “My child died because I couldn’t afford new bone marrow” – just “Me me me me me”!
Archer: I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck, Lana. The… “Tactleneck.”
Archer 1×09 “Job Offer”
When Archer jumps ship and joins ODIN, Malory tries to get him back. Meanwhile, Lana tries to nab the job at ODIN for herself.
ODIN once again crashes one of ISIS’s missions and steals the win out from under Lana and Archer’s noses. Fed up with always losing to the rival agency, and feeling like he’s underappreciated by ISIS, Archer decides to take ODIN agent Barry up on his job offer. (Well, okay, so the job offer was actually for Lana since Barry has a mad crush on her, but like that’s gonna stop Archer from weaseling his way into the agency.)
A furious Malory freezes all of Archer’s accounts and blocks him from entering his own apartment, effectively cutting him off, and then proceeds to drown her sorrows in several bottles of absinthe. Archer, on the other hand, is doing quite well over at ODIN, pissing Barry off, playing golf with the boss, and screwing secretaries named Framboise on scotchgarded sofas.
When Trexler refuses to fire Archer, Malory goes to drastic measures to get her son back… starting with a burn notice. Ouch, mama bird.
Now that Archer is useless to him, Trexler asks Barry to take him down to the basement and put a bullet in his brain, which Barry is all too happy to do.
Lana, meanwhile, is on her way to her job interview at ODIN, unwillingly bringing super clingy boyfriend Cyril along for the ride. When Barry hears that Lana’s in the building, he puts his assassination order on hold to go talk to her, which gives Lana a nice big window of time to save Archer from his impending doom.
On the way out of the building, Lana finally finds out that Cyril’s been cheating on her. When Archer inevitably puts his foot in his mouth (again), we’re treated to the lovely sight of Lana hitting the breaks and making Archer’s body fly out the windshield. See, kids, this is why we wear seatbelts.
Pam: That’s why she can’t have nice things.
Cheryl: Either that, or I steal them.
Archer: I’m gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse pajamas, and then SET THOSE PAJAMAS ON FIRE!
Cheryl: Even the one on the Isle of Man. Ohmigod, is that like Whore Island for women?
Framboise: Here we are one big famille.
Archer: Yeah, uh, the “famille” thing actually makes this borderline creepy.
Malory: Do you know you’re a little bitch?
Gillette: Will you remember this conversation?
Malory: … Probably not, no.
Gillette: Well, then, fuck off.
Trexler: You don’t smirk at a mother’s suffering, Barry, you asshole!
Archer: Seriously, I mean, I don’t wanna sound like a jerk, but that Framboise chick must have been a prostitute before she got this gig. In like, Bangkok.