in Television

Archer 1×06-07 “Skorpio” / “Skytanic” Recaps

screen-shot-2013-07-13-at-12-16-54-pm

Archer 1×06 “Skorpio”

Lana travels to a tropical paradise to eliminate an arms dealer, but she gets taken hostage instead. Meanwhile, Malory hooks up with her KGB lover.

Malory sends Lana on a mission to locate and kill an arms dealer named Spyridon Skorpio – instead of her son Archer, which really pisses him off. (He wanted to use the paycheck to upgrade his kitchen and maybe get a vasectomy, and now the poor guy can do neither of those things.)

When Archer hears that Malory is going to be tagging along on the trip, his Suspicious Spidey Senses start tingling. However, he still stays behind with the other office rats making kick-ass forts, helping Cyril self-sabotage his relationship with Lana, and getting absolutely no work done. That is, until Malory calls Archer to tell him Lana’s been captured.

Archer immediately runs off to rescue Lana… only to find her sitting on Skorpio’s yacht drinking champagne in a bikini. Turns out Lana just really, really needed a vacation from Cyril’s clinginess.

When Lana explains how amazing the yacht is, Archer decides to stay as well. This decision somehow leads to a chocolate-covered threesome between Skorpio, Archer, and Lana, because of course it would.

screen-shot-2013-07-13-at-12-38-34-pm

Skorpio, however, knew that Archer and Lana were ISIS agents the entire time and only pretended he didn’t so he could bang them.

Archer and Lana manage to escape, leaving a bloodbath behind them (but not before bickering like an old married assassin couple that hates each other but still leaves each others’ names down on life insurance beneficiary policies.)

Malory watches this all go down from a tiny little dingy fifty feet away from the yacht, and in her shock accidentally lets slip that Archer’s father might actually be Mr. KGB. Awk-ward.

Even more awkward: we switch back to ISIS headquarters to find that clingy Cyril totally had sex with Cheryl while he was mourning the “death” of his relationship with Lana. That was a really bad life choice, Cyril dear.

Memorable Quotes

Archer: It’s the Pope’s fault she won’t let me wear a condom!
Malory: Why don’t you wear a vasectomy?!

Malory: Well, if I did want a grandkid, I’d just scrape all of your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.

Krieger: I’m sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-Ass.

Archer 1×06 “Skytanic”

screen-shot-2013-07-13-at-12-54-42-pm

A devious plot comes to light when Archer and the ISIS crew are called in to find a bomb that threatens to blow up a luxury airship.

A company named Excelsior that deals primarily in blimps (aka “high class rigid airships filled with helium”) comes to ISIS for help in finding and diffusing a bomb threat. Malory is happy to help – which by now should be a red flag to the audience at home because it turns out the bomb threat was sent in by Malory herself so she could score a first class room on the airship. Damn, woman.

As the top two agents in ISIS, Archer and Lana are forced to go into the mission posing as husband and wife. As the best background characters to ever exist, Pam, Cheryl and Cyril stow away on the ship so they can spy on Lana and Archer. I need some kind of shorthand for those two. A portmanteau maybe, like Archana, or Larcher.

Anywho, Cheryl blackmails Cyril into putting tab A into slot B again, lest she tell Lana that he cheated on her. Seeing as how the terms of this blackmail is more cheating, this is pretty much a lose-lose situation for poor Cyril.

When Cyril shows up to Lana’s room presumably to confess everything, she gets fed up with his constant annoying Clingy McClinginess and suggests they go on a break. She immediately regrets that decision, but Cyril has already run off in tears.

Archer, meanwhile, sort-of-accidentally auctions Lana off during a game of baccarat, so now Lana has to deal with that mess too.

Luckily enough, this debacle leads to Archer stumbling across the actual bomb in the airship. Remember before, how I said Malory made the bomb threat up? The fake bomb threat is now a real bomb threat.

screen-shot-2013-07-13-at-12-56-50-pm

Also  despite the picture I just used above, the German guy did not do it. Blimp Captain Extraordinare did it, because he lost all his money in the stock market.

Archer and a once again nearly naked Lana (does she only have one set of lingerie or what?) struggle to disarm the bomb before deciding to just dump the thing overboard. It detonates on top of the innocent citizens of either Ireland or Wales. Fantastic job, ISIS, really. You don’t even know which country you accidentally bombed. Jaysus.

Memorable Quotes

Cheryl: Oh, Pamela. You read me like a poem.
Pam: Yeah? What’s the poem gonna be about when Cyril finally snaps and murders you?
Cheryl:
I dunno. World’s gushiest orgasm?

Archer: Hello, airplanes? This is blimps. You win.

Malory: Well, don’t stand there gaping at me! Go… thwart something!

Archer: I gotta get my turtleneck. I’m not defusing a bomb in this.