Archer 1×04 “Killing Utne” Recap
Malory holds a shindig to schmooze with United Nations bigwig Torvald Utne, just as a group of assassins closes in to kill him.
Torvald Utne is the chairman of the U.N. Intelligence Committee, and he’s about to decide which spy agency gets the “insanely lucrative U.N. contract,” as described by the one and only Malory Archer. For the past however many years, that contract has gone to ODIN – what Archer would describe as the “Organization of Douchebags In Nowheresville” – and Malory wants that sweet, sweet cash to line her pockets. I mean, to better her spy agency.
So, she decides to woo Utne into choosing ISIS using typical Malory fashion. That means a fancy dinner party, which also means Archer is totally banned from bringing a date because of “what happened last time”.
As Archer walks off in a huff, Malory puts a call in to the German “caterers” she hired for the party. They’re supposed to fake an assassination attempt on Utne so that Malory can save him and he’ll give the contract to ISIS. Great plan, Malory. Only one problem: the KGB has hired those same exact “caterers” to actually kill Utne. Oops!
It’s swanky dinner party time, and Utne is largely unimpressed with everyone in ISIS, beginning with Lana’s gigantic hands and ending with Krieger’s Fister Roboto (it’s a sex robot, you guys. He’s spending government spy moolah on developing his own personal sex robot).
Archer, on the other hand, is pissed off that everyone managed to find a date to the party except him. When he goes outside to try and find a call girl, he runs into a buxom blonde who’s at least ten different kinds of suspicious. Blinded by his need to not be forever alone, Archer brings her into the building anyways.
Blonde lady with the obviously fake name of Elke Hubsch, ends up being an assassin known as The Needle. The assassin caterers recognize her immediately and realize they need to act fast if they want to get paid for killing Utne – so they act fast, dumping poison onto Utne’s food, as The Needle readies her own hypodermic needle full of poison.
Just before The Needle is about to murder Utne, he feeds her a piece of his own poisoned meal – and she keels over. Two seconds later, the caterers machine gun Utne down and escape out the window.
Now ISIS has the dead bodies of a Russian assassin and the U.N. Intelligence Committee chairman on their hands and no rugs to wrap them in. Malory has a solution, though: dump the bodies into her next door neighbor and bitter rival’s apartment and call 911. Brilliant!
Malory: I don’t want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a pez dispenser!
Archer: That wasn’t her fault! Who puts oxycontin in a xanax bottle?
Malory: People with servants, idiot.
Archer: But if they’re stealing pills, how does it help to switch the labels?
Malory: Because they can’t read English!
Archer: …Okay. I’m gonna leave you to think about that whole line of reasoning.
Pam: Where’s the damn fish balls? I could kill for some food.
Lana: I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time.
Lana: No, I just meant, like, she literally killed somebody and-
Cheryl/Carol/Cristal/Carina: -and then ate their corpse, yeah. I saw where you were going with that.
Archer: All I’ve eaten today is like six gummi bears and some scotch.
Malory: They were blanks, weren’t they?
Archer: Only if the back of his head chose that exact moment to explode outwards.
Malory: We want this to look like a classic hooker-murder/suicide. So, everyone shoots the chippy! That way we’re all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
Archer 1×05 “Honeypot” Recap
In a bid to get back a compromising videotape from a blackmailer, Malory tasks Archer with seducing the culprit, a gay Cuban secret agent.
Soo… Malory Archer accidentally made a sex tape. Go ahead, try and scrub that mental image out of your brains, I’ll wait. Done? Okay, on with the recap! The “accident” part of the sex tape deals with the fact that her KGB boyfriend filmed them doing the nasty without her knowledge. Now the tape is being used against them as blackmail by a secret agent named Ramon, and Malory needs to get it back.
Naturally, she goes to her darling son Archer and orders him to seduce and blackmail Ramon using a tried and true method known as the “Honeypot.” Through a bit of random exposition and scene placement, we’re also introduced to one of my favorite Archer side characters: Ray motherfuckin’ Gillette.
So anyways, because Fidel Castro – Ramon’s employer – is apparently a raging homophobe, Malory’s plan is to get Archer to seduce Ramon, get the whole thing on film, and reverse blackmail Ramon into giving Malory back the sex tape, her condo, and all the money she is supposed to send him.
Just outside of Malory’s office, Pam, Cheryl, and Cyril play a game of Workplace Bang Marry Kill (which, by the way, is like my favorite game ever) so Cyril can see what Lana said about Archer. Pam and Cheryl then wheedle Lana into playing the game so she can see what Cyril said. I would be such good friends with those two, I swear. They’re like my coworker-soulmates.
Back in South Beach, we discover that Ramon is not into Archer. Like, at all. Which totally confuses Archer, because he thinks everyone is into him. Archer ends up enlisting the help of two suspiciously random yet totally amazing guys named Rudi and Charles, so that he can actually carry out the “seduce” portion of his assignment.
Nothing ends up working, because Ramon actually knows exactly who Archer is and why he’s pursuing him so hard. They also end up bonding over their awful overbearing mothers and useless coworkers, and becoming semi-best buddies.
And then Rudi and Charles burst through the door with guns because they’re actually a hit squad sent by Castro to kill Ramon and just forgot to tell Archer about it. See what I mean by “suspiciously random and yet totally amazing”?
Ramon and Archer are forced to blow up Malory’s ugly ass condo in order to survive the ambush (and their hearing and health are more or less intact, however implausible that may be). Rudi and Charles manage to escape from the explosion (however implausible that may be) and are hopefully going to make a comeback later on because I love them so.
Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face, and she says she can’t go to hospital because she’s “tripping balls.”
Archer: You know, when I was little I used to pretend you weren’t my mother.
Malory: Me too.
Rudi: Oh, please. You are entirely too gay.
Archer: What? No I’m not!
Charles: Ohmigod you like, sneeze glitter.
Rudi: Thank youuu.
Cheryl: I think that’s hot, like, someone murdering me. It’s so… intimate.
Ramon: Dios mio. Is your ego so large you cannot handle a single rejection?
Charles: You may have to out-macho him.
Archer: [stereotypically effeminate voice] Out-macho a gay guy? Oh, my stars!
Charles: Or – wait – you could just be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.