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Archer 1×02-03 “Training Day”/”Diversity Hire” Recaps

And we’re back with more Archer! Today’s first episode recap is “Training Day.”

Archer 1×02 “Training Day” Recap

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Sensing that Lana still has the hots for Archer, Malory makes accountant Cyril ISIS’ newest field agent.

Because this is a comedy of ridiculous proportions, her plans go about as well as you’d expect (that is, not well at all).

After a drunken Archer somehow ends up rescuing a posh British Rich Dude from death-by-Irish-suicide-bomber, Lana’s feelings of lust start to resurface. I don’t blame her, because Archer just killed a guy by lobbing a serving tray at his head. Totally hot. Especially when compared to mild-mannered Cyril, who still stumbles over his sentences and probably couldn’t kill a guy if he tried. Poor sweet Cyril. How could he ever compete?

Malory, however, has other ideas: she plans to mold Cyril into a top secret field agent so that he can get Lana’s loins “equally as frothy,” and recruits Archer to be Cyril’s teacher. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Archer’s first lessons for Cyril involve putting uncapped hypodermic needles full of poison in one’s front pocket, keeping tiny guns in one’s underwear with the safety off, telling lies as vague as possible to avoid loose ends, and shopping sprees for better clothing. His one and only practical lesson ends with a call girl dying due to the aforementioned uncapped hypodermic needle full of poison.

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Rest in peace, dearest Trinette.

The top secret field agent lesson then morphs into Archer teaching Cyril how to dump a body, as top secret field agent lessons are wont to do.

Meanwhile, Malory is no longer able to do any of her paperwork because her beauty care regime made her eyelids swell to the size of small tangerines, so everyone’s favorite workplace gossips, Pam and Cheryl – who has legally changed her name to Carol because Archer kept calling her by the wrong name – volunteer to help her out.

Of course, that’s just a pretense so they can go through her  computer and look at everyone’s personal medical records. The security in this place is abysmal. Pam and Carol find out that contrary to popular opinion, no, Lana does not have herpes, and yes, Cyril has a 12 inch dick. Damn, son.

Pam and Carol finally end up filing the healthcare  insurance paperwork for Malory (as poor Malory lounges about on the couch high out of her mind) and make the co-pay zero dollars and the deductible super low. Man, sounds nice.

Back with Archer and Cyril, the call-girl-dead-body-dumping isn’t going so well, because the pair of them have somehow found themselves in the middle of a high speed car chase involving machine guns. Surprisingly, the person in the car chasing them is neither KGB nor some guy Archer knows named Pop-Eye, because it’s an extremely pissed off Lana Kane.

Lana and Cyril end up reconciling, and Archer is left forever alone by the side of the road with a dead hooker in his trunk. Who ends up to be not-so dead after all. Yay, Trinette!

Memorable Quotes

Archer: Lying is 95% of what I do.
Cyril: In your job?
Archer: Sure.

Archer: Karate is the Dane Cook of martial arts.

Archer: Shoot! Shoot, bitch! Democracy’s at stake.

Cyril: TAKE THAT, FORCES OF EVIL!

Archer: Oh my god! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a –
Archer: No, Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers.

Malory: Immigrants! That’s all they do, you know, is drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

Lana: I don’t care if you have fifty dead hookers in the trunk! You lied to me!
Cyril: Well, you shot a machine gun at me!
Lana: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.

Archer 1×03 “Diversity Hire” Recap

Aaand here comes another episode of Archer! These things are so easy to binge watch, it’s insane.

ISIS hires a studly new agent because of his minority status, and though the man makes an impressive debut, Archer suspects he has ulterior motives.

After Archer accidentally gets a fellow ISIS agent killed (I feel like a lot of Archer episodes begin with “after Archer accidentally does [insert thing here]”, which is equal parts worrying and awesome), Malory is forced to hire a new agent and decides to kill two proverbial birds with one stone by hiring a minority.

She decides on Agent Stern, who is black and Jewish – what Malory refers to as a “diversity double whammy.”

Look at his adorable wink! He couldn't possibly have ulterior motives, Archer, what even are you.

Look at his adorable wink! He couldn’t possibly have ulterior motives, Archer, what even are you.

Conway Stern is actually not all that stern. He’s very charming and nice and handsome, and Malory very much wants to do him. All of this is why Archer hates him almost immediately. For once, though, Archer’s not alone: Lana’s spot as top agent is being threatened by Conway’s effortless awesomeness, and she is not at all happy about that.

She and Archer plot to figure out Conway’s true purpose in being at ISIS, and to get rid of him. Of course, they do this in different ways: Archer, by filing harassment reports against Conway, and Lana, by doing actual investigative work on Conway’s background.

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“A non-circumcised Jewish guy – that’s not weird to you?”

 

However, Lana also makes the bad choice of starting her investigation by asking Malory questions about Conway, which leads to Malory putting Lana on suspension for being jealous and gossipy.

Shortly thereafter, Conway approaches both Archer and Malory with his idea for an operation, which involves undercover Archer, a South Beach condo, and some weapon plans.

Long story short: it’s a trap, Conway planned the whole thing so he could steal the weapon plans and sell them, and also he totally did not bang Archer’s mom. (Which Archer is so strangely happy about, even as he’s bleeding out from a stab wound to the back.)

But never fear, because here comes Lana to the rescue! She manages to get the weapon plans back and Archer to a hospital. Mission completion.

Memorable Quotes

Carol: I’m 1/64th Cherokee.
[everyone groans]
Carol: What?!
Cyril: A, no you’re probably not.
Lana: And B through Z, nobody gives a shit.
Carol: Racist!

Archer: He touched my penis with his penis.
Pam: Wow.
Archer: Yeah. He just came up to me and was like, “boop.”

Pam: Whatcha doin’, bird bones?
Carol/Cristal: Looking for a pregnancy test online.
Pam: But there’s a drugstore half a – oh. You mean that you take online.
Cristal: Yeah, I want to know, like, now.

Archer: Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins ’cause you’re in the danger zone.
Lana: Ugh. Just be careful.
Archer: …No.

Conway: That right there, that kind of racism is why I can’t wait to see tiny little Chinese boots on your white-ass necks! …Which might sound, hypocritcal, I know, but.